"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Patricia and Greg and Uncle Makes Three - June 14th

Gregory,
Stanley called, again. Please call him back. I told him you were at work, so he may have come up to see you. There are plenty of groceries in the fridge and some Jell-O ready behind the Colt-45. The beer is for your uncle. Gregory, I know Uncle Chauncey can be a handful and a little different at times, but he loves you and I think this summer is going to be great with him around. After your dad died, I've had a tough time trying to juggle life...and he's my brother so he wants to help. I'm closing the bar tonight, so I'll be back late. I love you, so glad to have you home.

Mom




The Woodpecker, Sports Column - June 14th

"Eye on Sports” with Bill McNeil

Sunday, June 14th, 1981

Whoever made the rule that baseball was a two-team competitive sport obviously failed to pass on the message to the Sinkwood ‘Peckers. Indeed, this world-traveled newsman has never -- and I mean, never -- witnessed a home team shelacking the likes of which transpired Saturday on the newly christened Bartholomew Hornfoot Field.

Golddiggers pitcher Ty Busfield kicked the game off with a shutout first inning that turned out would be the least humiliating part of the night for the ‘Pecks -- for star Pecker shortstop-- and son of Woodpecker coach Reggie Lynnstock-- Jermaine Lynnstock's one-out walk turned out to be the only baserunner the home team had all day. In fact, the only time any little Pecks had any contact with the baseball was in the field where five different Peckers accounted for eight errors. Busfield's near-perfect gem will be forever remembered for the swings and misses, as well as the bobbles and wild throws.

Coach Lynnstock was a talent to behold in his youth, a twenty year old phenom who could hit and run like Mays, turned heads in Triple A and caught on with the Padres for three years before flaming out. Now, he's managing a team that desperately needs to put the flames out on a potential fire.

It was, I tell you, such a massacre that the 'Diggers seemed to be playing all by themselves. The stands were full of spectators, and there were a few on the field, too -- nine of em’, to be exact, all of them twelve years old, picking their noses, and watching an endless parade of Diggers run by them, stealing their dignity -- and I dare to say, the season.

Sinkwood Woodpeckers Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, June 14th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
Diggers  |2  |1  | 1  | 3  | 1  | 0  | 6  | 1  |0  |15  |26    | 0 
Peckers  |0  |0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0    | 0     |  8 


Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |   0   |   2    | .000    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  2   | 0   | 0   |   0     |  1   |   1    | .000    
W. Myers, 1B     |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  3     | .000    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 3    | 0   | 0   |   0    |   0   |  2    | .000    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 3    | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  3    | .000    
J. Hampton, LF  |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .000    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  3    | .000    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |   0   |  1    | .000    
R. Carlisle, P       | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  1     | .000   
                             |  26 | 0  | 0   |  0     |  1     | 17   |

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Coach Reginald Lynnstock's Sinkwood Woodpeckers Lineup Card - June 13th

Sinkwood Woodpeckers
1) #12, Thomas CF
2) #7, Lynnstock SS
3) #13, Myers 1B
4) #9, Ogdon RF
5) #22, Caroley 3B
6) #3, Hampton LF
7) #25, Schmidt C
8) #10, Zelling 2B
9) #5, Carlisle P

Bench
#11 Wilkins OF
#99 Simonson IF

Coach R. Lynnstock

Val Had a Blast! - June 13th

Shit wad,
Meet me at Spaceport when youre all finished beatin your meat with your boss. Last night was super cool and made up for that pig Vicki standin me up! Who does she think she is Christie Brinkley?? Ive seen better pigs on the cover of Easyriders than Vicki! But gettin to see Bobby pork Connie was awesome! That Radinsky dork aint half bad. 
     Val


Counting Greg - Saturday, June 13th

June 13th
 I thought it couldn't possibly get worse. But, I was wrong. Even with the embarrassment of ringing up people's pizzas and having soda splashed on me daily, even with Rad's constant pushing of me to do things I don't want to do, childish things including last night's disaster at the Safari--and I don't know if this Summer is safe with Bobby Lay on ass-kick patrol for whomever he thinks sold tickets to the group of kids that watched him and Connie do it--EVEN WITH ALL OF THAT...I could manage with that, but...Uncle Chauncey got into town late last night.
 I don't hate him. He's my uncle, I like him a whole lot, but...I woke up this morning and found him asleep on the living room floor. Naked. I think he was drunk or hungover. Mom was not happy, but she just put a pillow over his him. She said it's "just thebway he's always been", then I went out to get the trash cans and his van was parked halfway in the lawn! There's a giant naked woman painted on the side of his van and I know the neighbors are going to say something. She's got a python and an American flag wrapped around her legs and she's standing on top of some kind of dead soldier, but I'm not sure what that is supposed to represent. I'm sure Mr. Pederson next door is not going to like that. His son WAS killed in Vietnam.
 I'm off today and Rad wants me to meet him and Glenn at Spaceport, but I'm really not interested in arcade games right now. Yet, if I stay I know Uncle Chauncey will get up at some point and get me to smell his fingers.
So, I'm going to meet Rad and Glenn. Only 71 more days.

Monday, June 12, 2017

A Rad Plan - Friday, June 12th

Greg, get over to the Safari when you get off! Connie Cummings is totally gonna let Bobby Lay pork her in his Trans AM and me n Glenny Glenda are gonna watch! He always parks behind the bathrooms when he's gonna give scrote. Bet anything he's there... I might make a couple bucks off it! She's been moanin for his nightly mount since 3rd grade, I KNOW IT'S HAPPENIN TONIGHT! I can smell it! Summer's IN, Greggo!
Rad

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, June 12th - 18th Schedule

Screen 1
*Raiders of the Lost Ark -- 9:00pm
Graduation Day -- 11:30pm

Screen 2
Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams -- 9:30pm
Friday the 13th Part II -- 11:50pm

*denotes New Release


Sunday, June 11, 2017

Mayor McKenzie's Dedication - June 11th

June 11th

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to the night we’ve all been waiting for -- the dedication of Bartholomew Hornfoot field! (REMEMBER to wait for the sign languager to finish this time)

First off, I want to thank Rabbi Kupberg for that stirring blessing that kicked us off this evening. Also, I ask that you extend your thoughts and prayers to Father Wilkins and Pastor Jacobs. I know that we all wish them a speedy recovery following last night's interfaith bar-b-que.  

Walt Whitman once said that he had great hopes for the game of Baseball. He said it’s “Our game, America’s game.” Well, tonight, I think we all know what he was talking about. The fresh grass on the field. Home plate perfectly dusted. The smell of popcorn coming from the concessions.

Folks, this kind of night is one where we as citizens of Sinkwood, and -- more importantly -- as Americans -- realize our potential. Our kids take to the diamond and pursue excellence. Our spectators sit in the stands and cheer on the home team. It is, in short, everything ole Walt hoped for.

So, without further delay, I wish to take this pristine bottle of 1980 Corbel, and christen this Bartholomew Hornfoot field! Go ‘Peckers!

Eddie 's Concern - Thursday, June 11th

Hey little man, sorry about being bogus with you this week. I'm not mad, it's just you gotta do me a favor this summer-- stay out of trouble, okay? You know mom and dad have been having problems this year. Sometimes, I don't think they're gonna make it. If you got hurt or whatever at Lori's party, I'd be finished with them. And then they'd probably split up. Just help me out with them, okay little man? Now enough of this gaybo shit, tomorrow night let's go see that Spielberg movie at the Safari.
        ---Eddie

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Kim Kleinstein, 20 - June 10th

GLENN!
Rad called for the 5th time in a row, PLEASE tell him to stop belching in my ear on the phone! It's totally gross and he's a pig! He's not funny!
The retard wants you to meet him and Greg at the food court in the mall. Tonight. He said it's important although I can't imagine what he has in his little worthless life that's that important. Herpes?
   Kim

Val on the Search - June 10th

Penis breath,
Meet me at the mall when youre done licking scrote at work. I'll be parked in front of JCPenny's. Vicki just started working at Video Concepts, think it's about time to get my rod serviced. She's been begging for it. Hurry up, don't blow this.
    Val

Did you hear Springsteen's gonna be in LA at the end of August? Think of all that beaver!

Henry and Indiana - June 10th

Today it became official! “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is in our town and we’re goin Friday night! Billy and me rode our bikes up to Alvin’s today at 10 am sharp cuz Ding told us the other night that’s when they were expecting delivery. Of course he decided to go blabbing to all the other kids so we weren’t the only ones. What a lame-o. If it wasn’t for him sleeping in last year, we wouldn’t have missed Empire-- NOW we have to sweat it every time a movie comes out that we really wanna see.

It was a hot day and we had to wait for a few hours at the fence for the truck to get there -- but holy shit, it was so cool just seeing it arrive and become official! I’ve been waiting for this movie ever since I read about it in Starlog last year. I’m pretty sure I saw Billy tear up a little, the queerbo.

Stephen Works Hard - June 10th

F MR. CHOCOLATE! Geeze weeze, this summer job my folks made me get sucks the root. They make me wear this B.S. white tuxedo with a bow-tie -- makes me look like that weird foreign midget on “Fantasy Island”. Man, F MR. CHOCOLATE AND HIS FASCIST ICE CREAM REGIME!

And the music! The NOISE they make me play. “Knick-Knack-Patty-Whack?!?” What is that? Tomorrow I’m gonna rewire the system and blast out my Devo!

“Hey kids, want some ice cream? SCREW YOU!”


Leland "Ding" Stiltz, 20 - Wednesday, June 10th

Captain’s Log -- Stardate 0609.8

I woke with the sun, for today was all-important. The print of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” arrived and I was directed by my fleet commander, Admiral Alvin, to set a course directly for my employ. I was to stop for no distractions. Admiral Alvin informed me he did not wish to see a repeat of last year, when my mother failed to wake me and my oversleep forced me to miss the receivership of “The Empire Strikes Back”. The parental’s error forced Admiral Alvin to disappoint his audience of hundreds on opening night and myself to perform sanitation duty for many stardates.

To my astonishment, the delivery did not transpire until nearly 1600. I took advantage of the long day, waiting aboard the projection vessel, to finish reading my latest scroll by scribe Roger Zelazny. When the film cans were delivered to me by the postal-zoid, I looked afar, and -- ZOOKS! -- could make out the shapes and shadows of a dozen or so rogue natives, circling the fence perimeter on their spoked pods, for this celluloid is indeed such a prize that even its arrival in the Sinkwood system elicits response from the terrestrial population.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Tony Garrone, 54 - June 9th

Pick up-
2 cases Tomatoes
4 pounds Black olives
4 pounds salt
3 pounds Mozarella

Listen, you mook, we're low on this shit so don't come back til you have every last fuckin ounce or I'm gonna fuck your mother so hard she's gonna slap your face!
That nice kid Greg is starting back to work here today, so don't fuck this up, Paulie. I want a nice atmosphere for the kid. Take 30 from the register.
Tony

Linda and the Lizard - June 9th

June 9th
 Today was the first day I stepped out of my room since Friday night. And that's only because I had to work. I can't show my face in this town anymore, not after that lizard Greg Billings threw up on me!! Angie says that nobody cares, but she's just being nice. I was sitting there next to Randy and the next thing I know I'm covered with vomit! I'm getting sick thinking of it...Randy was going to kiss me, I know it. Then that lizard screws everything up and Randy leaves! My life is ruined. Randy will NEVER come close to me again!
 I'm going to get even with that creepo if it takes all Summer.

 AND SPRINGSTEEN IS GOING TO BE IN LOS ANGELES! AUGUST! I've got to go!

Connie's Urge - June 9th

Brenda!! You are NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I JUST HEARD!! Springsteen is playing in LA at the end of August! We totally have to get the girls and road trip! I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH BRUCE!! Call me when you get off!
         ----Connie


Greg's Summery Outlook - Tuesday, June 9th

June 9th
Hell on Earth is a real thing. I'm living it. I spent the first three days being back in complete chaos. Rad WILL NOT leave me be. Friday night was some party at Lori McKenzie's, whom I have wanted since elementary school and who doesn't know of my existence AND Rad kept forcing me to drink! I ralphed on Linda Carson and can NEVER show my face around those people again. I was hung over for two days, had to lie to my Mom and agreed in my weakness to agree to work at Mr. Garroney's pizzeria...FOR THE SUMMER!
 This is just great. Embarrassment and pizza sauce stains for three months. Oh, and Uncle Chauncey is going to stay with us for a while which means fetching him beer and keeping him away from every single teenage girl in town FOR THE SUMMER! What did I do to deserve this? I never once got into any trouble and I have a scholarship to San Francisco State!
 Complete bogus bullshit. I've got to get ready for work.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Mayor David McKenzie, 47 - Monday, June 8th

Cathy,

Can you please stop getting the Sanka from the ShopMax? This morning’s meeting with that scumbag contractor Jim Reynolds took a nosedive when he had a sip of that gutter juice. Now I just know he’ll screw us on the City Hall renovation. Just regular Folger’s, please.

Cancel my afternoon meeting with Superintendent Sykes. I can't take Twinkle Toes on Monday mornings.

Also, a reminder to make sure you confirm Thursday night with Father Wilkins of St. Vigor’s and Pastor Jacobs of Silkwood First Baptist. I want to make sure we include all the faiths with this baseball field dedication. Tell them to bring their bibles and a few nice words to say when they do their blessing. You might as well get in touch with Rabbi Kupberg also -- just in case the Hurwitzes show up with their checkbook and want to donate a new scoreboard!

I’m heading home early today. A weekend at the lake can really take it out of you!

--D