John "Turd" Lewis, 38 - July 7th

Gonna be out today meetin old buddy Cock
Lettin em borrw that print we got in last week
Maybe call in a favor from Lester for some of those prints he got from that daygo greaseball in Carson City

For crissake change out the popcorn its been sittin in there for two weeks
And clean the goddamn bathrooms they smell like shit and piss

-----JT

Eddie Trains - July 7th

Hey little man, I'm going up to the Spaceport this afternoon after work. Wanna go? Just meet me at Tony's for a slice and we'll hit it after. The qualifier is two weeks from Saturday and I'm totally not where I need to be. Work's been bogus and mom and dad have been heavy on me lately. Bring Henry and we'll see how good he does this time. I work tomorrow but I'm gonna split early to try out the machine in Hanford, see how it plays. Ride with me and we'll get some rays at the quarry.

---Eddie

Val's Spoils - July 7th

Ass creamer,
When youre all thru with crammin your mouth with customers dicks meet me in the back of Spaceport. We laid low enough now we gotta see which panties those pukes got out with. I dont have enough quim stink on mine, ha! Hope those little shits arent too bitchy since I had to leave thier slow asses behind. Besides my balls were aching and I could barely move thanks to cunt Vicki. What the fuck is that joanies prob??? Remember if they give us shit we whip their ass like we whipped that fag Stephens!
Val

Greg's Shame - July 7th

July 7th
I was totally wrong about Uncle Chauncey. Friday night was about to turn into a nightmare when Val left us at the sorority house, but Uncle Chauncey saved us. I feel ashamed for some of the things I've said about him to Rad and Glenn. He saved our butts. And he regaled us all weekend with his stories from around the country as we drank Colt .45. His tales of being twenty-four at Woodstock were priceless. That man has been around, he knows things. He's like Kerouac, always wise and perpetually on the road. Uncle Chauncey said he knew we were going to be in trouble as soon as he saw us hanging around with Val. Intuition told him that Val was chicken shit.

I still don't want to call him Uncle Cock Man, but I feel within myself that he has much to teach. Especially with Trish. I think this is going to be a good Summer.

Ariel Hughes, 13 - Tuesday, July 7th

Sally! Guess what?? I totally made it with Billy Freeman at my brother’s ball game. We started talking at the concession stands and I ended up going with him and his folks to the drive-in to see the fireworks. We kissed during the big grand finale when all the fireworks were going off at once, it was so romantic! It was like “The Blue Lagoon” and he was Christopher Atkins. I think I STILL have some of his sunflower seeds in my teeth, which is totally fine.

Xxoo Ariel

Ps--I think you totally have a shot with Henry!He’s just shy. YOU have to make the first move.

Chauncey the New Hire - July 6th

ALVIN'S

SAFARI

DRIVE-IN

JOB APPLICANT FORM

Please Print

NAME (LAST, FIRST MIDDLE):    Chauncey Cochran, Uncle Cock Man 

BIRTHDATE(MM/DD/YYYY):     36    

ADDRESS (STREET, CITY, ZIP) :     my sisters driveway, over near jupiter street on maple , here,    zip?                      

TELEPHONE:    got no phone            

FOR WHICH JOB ARE YOU APPLYING?

  Gess Im lookin to run the projecters. Ya got rid of that asswipe

WHAT WILL YOU DO IF HIRED?

  Mean am I gonna fuck off? Shit man the whole damn world fucks off and we just do what we gotta do to get a piece

PREVIOUS JOB EXPERIENCE:

Yeah Ive done this shit before. Used to be the projecter at Skinny Paul's Peep Show down in San Bernardino

Lets get this straight-I ain't cleanin up any baby batter or bitch butter. But I can work nights. Need the bread

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FIRED FROM A JOB?

(If yes, please explain)

Shit man we all been fired

Signature of Applicant:                                      Date:

    X                             today     

Ding's Arraignment - Monday, July 6th

P R O C E E D I N G S

MONDAY, JULY 6TH, 1981

8:16am

***TRANSCRIPTION EXCERPT***

COURTROOM DEPUTY CLERK: This is case number CR-723, the Township of Sinkwood, California versus Leland J. Stiltz, on for arraignment. The honorable Leonitis Thomas, III presiding.

JUDGE THOMAS: Counsel, please state your name for the record.

MS. POST: Good morning, Your Honor, Loretta Post for the Township of Sinkwood, California.

JUDGE THOMAS: Good morning.

MR. SWEET: Good morning, Your Honor, J.J. Sweet with Mr. Stiltz, who is present.

JUDGE THOMAS: Good morning. Mr. Stiltz, you are charged with criminal mischief, ten counts of willful destruction of property, disturbing a peaceful assembly, and public endangerment. How do you plea?

LELAND STILTZ: Not guilty, your honor.

MR. SWEET: Sir, pay no mind to my client. He wishes to plead guilty on all counts.

STILTZ: That’s not what I said, sir.

SWEET: You say nothing, Ding!

JUDGE THOMAS: Is there a problem between you and your client, counselor?

SWEET: Sir, no problem at all, sir. My client wishes to plead guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

STILTZ: Absolutely not! I am on a mission to civilize.

SWEET: Sit down in the chair, Ding, and shut your mouth.

STILTZ: This is not a court of law and order! It is an Intergalactic Death Squad. A toxic tribunal. Its only mission is to exterminate the willing.

SWEET: Ding, please.

STILTZ: Get off me, you rogue!

SWEET: You understand what I mean, your honor? The guy’s nuts.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well, but you do understand you will need to prove his insanity in court?

SWEET: Well, the thing is, your honor: I feel like I’ve already done that. So if you can, just go ahead and make your best judgement. Just...just look at him.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well. I will ask the bailiff to please remand Mr. Stiltz back to county lock-up so we can call in a psychiatrist to come and take a look at him. Is that okay with you, Miss Post?

MS. POST: Sir, the people will consent, but we'd like to bring in our own doctor.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well.

SWEET: Is all this really necessary, your honor? I mean, it’s not like we’re shopping for plums here, know what I mean? You don’t have to split the skin to know you got a bad plum. It's more like we're shopping for bananas, you know? All his bruises are on the outside!

JUDGE THOMAS: Counselor, is there some reason you’re so anxious to wrap this one up?

SWEET: No reason at all, Judge. It’s just that this is my first day with the Public Defender’s office, and I’m hoping to get my first conviction. You know: get up on the big board, and whatnot.

JUDGE THOMAS: Mr. Sweet, you’re a defense attorney. You’re supposed to get acquittals, not convictions.

SWEET: Yeah, I know that, your honor. But down at the office they go by decisions. The motto is: “Either Good or Bad, You’re Glad”.

JUDGE THOMAS: This is deeply disturbing, Counselor.

SWEET: So, how about it, judge? Is the man crazy or not?

JUDGE THOMAS: I don’t know about Mr. Stiltz, but I’ve got a pretty good idea about you.

***END EXCERPT***  

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - July 5th

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, July 5th, 1981

Is it just me or is having fun in America getting a little too passive? I asked this question just last night when I went with my date Juanita Tubbs over to Alvin’s drive-in. I was expecting to see one of those one-for-her/one-for-me double bills that I’d normally just rather pour salt in my Hemicuda’s gas tank than have to sit through, but Juanita said there’s something about felt fabric that puts her in a “special kind of mood” so I figured suffering through the “Great Muppet Caper” was a small price to pay for a little nookie on the Fourth of July. However, what we were met with instead was a lot full of anxious families, eating sticky food and anticipating a fireworks show in honor of our great nation’s independence. Now I’m not knocking a little patriotism, but isn’t the idea of bombs bursting in air while you change your baby’s diaper on the car trunk the exact opposite of what that ritual is all about?

Now if you happened to attend last night’s fireworks display -- or if you maybe live in an immediate 500-mile radius of Sinkwood -- you’ll know that we didn’t start the evening with the typical, same as last year, paint the sky by numbers, more predictable than a twelve year old with a stack of girlie magazines and an empty house on a Friday night show. What we were treated to instead was a true showing of American revolution.

While the facts are still coming in, it’s apparent that the projectionist, Leland “Ding” Stiltz, took it upon himself to hold the night ransom with a fireworks show of his own -- apparently in protest of the very thing I’m getting at, that we take those freedoms granted us more than 200 years ago by a bunch of New England academics and rich southern rednecks so lightly that we can’t even grasp the idea of stating our own point-of-view anymore. This opposition toward the underdog was broadcast to me in techno-color last night when an angry mob cheered on the police force as they hauled ole Ding away in a paddy-wagon just in time for the planned fireworks show to commence, which lasted about 10 minutes, concluded in a grand finale carbon copied from the many years before it, and ended with a bunch of tired, blitzed citizens angrily honking their horns at each other as they fought to get home and catch the tail-end of a Dallas re-run.      

Now I know what you’re saying: “Sam’s gone commie on us! He’s on the side of the pink-o protestor!” No, sir, not at all. ‘Matter of fact I’m still pretty steamed that Ding’s antics upset Juanita Tubbs so much that she made me take her home on the spot, opting to bypass the singing muppets and, therefore, the backseat banana split altogether. But I do think we need to use this event as a small lesson on what it means to blow stuff up on America’s birthday. Sure, it’s fun, and satisfies us on a level of animal instinct unmatched even by what turns us on when the lights go off. Deeper than that, though, is this celebration of protest -- the fireworks meant to stand in place for the bombs of revolution all those years ago. If you take it from your buddy Sam, you don’t have to agree with Ding -- or light up half the cars surrounding your proverbial projection booth -- but you do need to open those lips every once in awhile for something other than smacking bubble gum.

And speaking of cold showers, I was able to drop Juanita off and hop back to Alvin’s just in time for the second show, “Final Exam”, a true-to-life expose of life on campus after a lunatic from the local insane asylum breaks loose and goes hunting. Let’s grade the report card:

--A finely tuned student body staying after class to earn some extra credit in biology; a killer who fashions himself a psychopathic Moe from “The Three Stooges” and likes to tally up his body count with the scoreboard hanging over the basketball court; and a piano prodigy who likes to play the keys nekked and gives a new meaning to the term summa cum laude.

Sam says check it out, and if you see Juanita Tubbs, tell her she owes me 5 bucks and no hard feelings.

"Eye on Sports" with Bill McNeil - Sunday, July 5th

"Eye on Sports" with Bill McNeil

Sunday, July 5th, 1981

 Pele once said, "The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning". Well, that fancy-footed ball kicker must have been talking about the Woodpeckers in yesterday's Fourth of July, edge-of-your-seat thrilling victory over the Wildcats of Lemoore.
 A no-hitter was carried into the bottom of the ninth by Wildcats pitcher Nate Sherman, but the Peckers would not go quietly. A leadoff single by catcher Travis Schmidt started the rally. Two outs later, outfielder Kyle Thomas lashed a double into right which brought up the Peckers' best hitter, Jermaine Lynnstock. With a full count and runners on second and third, the hard-hitting shortstop did the unthinkable--he bunted. The Wildcats were not prepared for the strategic maneuver and played deep, causing a ruckus in the infield to get the ball home. When the dust settled, everyone was safe and the Peckers walked away with their first win of the season.
 This reporter caught up with Coach Lynnstock after the victory with a few questions abot the win and what it means for Sinkwood's season.

BM: Coach, tell us a little about why you went for the bunt with two outs.

RL: Man, we can't hit s---!

BM: Fair enough. How would you rate your players improvements in this game from last week's?

RL: We couldn't hit last week and we sure as s--- couldn't hit this week. But we stayed in this game 'cause that little motherf----- can throw, can't he?!

BM: Yes, he can. Next week's game is against Kingsburg, on their home turf. They've got a big lineup. Any thoughts on how your team is going to approach the matchup?

RL: Man, s---, it's the Fourth of July, I gotta tear in my eye and there gonna be fireworks in the sky! We ain't thinkin' 'bout no godd--- baseball game 'til next week!
 Coach Lynnstock is a sure-fire proud American and a proud coach of some winning baseball. As someone once said, "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game." Well, those Peckers played a good one this week.

Sinkwood Woodpeckers Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, July 5th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
Wildcats |0  |0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  |0  |  0  | 2    | 0 
Peckers   | 0 | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 |0  | 0  | 1  | 1   | 3   |  0 


Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 0   | 1   |   0    |   0   |   1    | .071    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  4   | 0   | 1   |   1     |  0   |   0    | .250    
W. Myers, 1B     |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .143    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 3    |  0  | 0   |   0    |   0   |  1    | .000    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 3    | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .077    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .077    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 1   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .083    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |   0   |  3    | .083    
M. Hughes, P      | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  3     | .000   
                             |  29 | 0  | 3   |  1     |  0    |  10   |

Rad's Excitement - July 4th

Greg!!
I know you are workin, but...

Fuckin A to the max!! Last night was totally the most awesome night of my life! Me and Glenny added up and we got 21 pairs of panties between us THAT INCLUDES A PAIR OF LORI MCKENZIE'S AND VICKI CARLISLE'S WHEN VAL WASNT LOOKIN! Your uncle is wayyy bitchin! I cant believe he showed up and saved our asses like that! No doubt he is a FUCKIN GNARLY SUPERMAN! We gotta hang with him more. Dont get buggin about Linda Carson seeing you NOBODY believes a word from that Joanie. Meet us at the Safari for the fireworks when youre out!
Rad

---Never trust Val again! Asswad left us!

Linda's Special You - July 4th

July 4th
  I AM GOING TO KILL THAT CREEPO LIZARD GREG BILLINGS!!

I thought him ralphing on me in front of Randy was the worse thing that could ever happen to me, but NO! I went to the Chi Omega Summer Rush party last night and just when all the girls were going to bed, we got panty raided by Greg and a bunch of masked pervs! I swatted at them as they tried to pull my panties off me and grabbed at one of their masks and ripped it off and there he was that sleazy perverted piece of shit! He kept saying he was sorry and he pleading that he didn't want to do it, yeah right!
I think that sleazebag Val Reynolds was with them, too. Vicki keeps saying he was one of them and that she kicked him in the balls. Two of them left quick in a truck, I think that was Pete Myers' truck! Of course it was...Val and Greg, OF COURSE IT WAS!!
All the girls chased Greg and the last two weirdos out of the house and then some dirty van showed up, blasting .38 Special and they jumped in and sped away.
One of them still has my new You pair! I was going to wear that on my date with Teddy Haygood next Saturday!!

Ding's Mutiny - July 4th

Captain’s Log -- Stardate 0704.8

Here in the projection vessel I await my darkest hour of judgement. I am alone. I am hungry. I am under siege. Who would have thought my mission would end like this, under attack by the very natives I attempted to civilize? But alas, the day is doomed. Only Admiral Alvin can save me now from this band of blundering rogues storming the breach.

My intentions were pure, albeit unorthodox. Admiral Alvin tells me that my “great experiment” failed; my efforts to bring pure, high-brow fantasy entertainment to the hoards of mouth-drooling zombo-pods who frequent his cinema palace were met with scoffs and mocks. They laughed at Master Harry Hamlin’s deft portrayal of Perseus in “Clash of the Titans”. During a showing of “Dragonslayer” two Fridays past, they grew so infuriated at the happenings in the medieval land of Urland that the few natives who did stay only did so to surround the projection vessel, pivot their persons, and give one big synchronized “moon” to me -- ME!!! Their purveyor of truth. Admiral Alvin was so shaken by these anecdotes by that witch at the gates, Deena, that he issued me an urgent decree to go back to the usual preferred fare of the philistine masses: a summer camp slasher film with no embarrassment of imagination riches. I believed Admiral Alvin so wrong on this measure that I decided to do the unthinkable: stage a full-on mutiny and ask for forgiveness at a later time. I was not ready to give up on this population of mouthbreathers quite yet.

At 2130 hours (who would ever believe this was just twenty minutes past), the parking lot was full of my mission. Hundreds of craft -- riled up, honking horns, throwing popcorn -- gathered for the busiest night of the year to see a pyro show in honor of their planet’s independance...or shall I say “indoctrination” as a society of uncivilized miscreants. Then, shortly following tonight’s display was to be that most philistine artifact of these simpering fools: a celluloid starring Kermit the Frog and Misses Piggy. No, I tell you, I could not take it! This was the stroove that broke the xenomorph’s cartoosh. At the stroke of the half hour, as Deputy Fire Chief Haygood and his band of insipid civil servants prepared the pyro fuses, I swooped in and grabbed the evening’s thunder. While my palms were sweaty and my cheeks beaded with fear, I did not revoke. I threw the switch.

And there he was -- Master Peter McNichol himself, forty feet high! A big, giant head of enlightenment. For I had kept the one film print of “Dragonslayer” hidden on my person. Oh! What a braveau performance as the hero Galen, fighting the feared dragon of Urland -- and, in a way, slaying this population’s prejudice of the fantastic.

For a minute, what rapture! What ecstasy! Silence fell on the crowd. They were in my control.

But then, a change in mood. There was one honk from a Chevrolet Astro-craft near the back, then a Mustang somewhere near my projection vessel -- and soon they were all over, and inconsolable! That is when they began storming my stronghold -- demanding what they had been promised instead of what would set them free.

I could then see them coming for me. I heard one native lunge onto the roof of my vessel, beating his hands against the tin like a savage ape-monster of the deep jungle.

It was then that I could think of no other option to stay the hoard. Quickly, I reached for a reserve cupboard of pyro-works I had purchased earlier this week from the Gentlemen Crazy Bill and had conveniently neglected to transfer to Admiral Alvin. I used all brute force within to kick open the hatch of the vessel, and set ablaze in all directions. The best in my arsenal was many rounds of Roman Candles -- perhaps the best product of that once great civilization. I fired them off like rounds from a mega-charged Zorinthian Pulse Rifle. That stayed the mob for a short wage. Then came the bottle rockets. I lit the fuses and tossed with haphazard confidence into the fray. This stayed the many as they took cover behind their crafts, now acting as war-zone battleguards for my great mutiny.

With vigor and (dare I say) poise, I tossed off the remaining pyro reserves, staying more of the mob with each blast and whistle. It was not long before I heard Haygood’s fire sirens, extinguishing the brood of my mayhem throughout the lot. And, yes, I saw the inevitable: the brilliant blue and red halogen bulbs of the native police, breaking through the smoke. I believe it was the Gentlemen Mayor McKenzine who first shouted over the intercom to give myself up so that others may be free. “HA!” was my retort. “How you misunderstand my mission to civilize your people!”

And as my reserves dwindled to a mere Black Cat brand Flashlight Cracker, I withdrew to my stronghold...and it is now in my stronghold that I wait. The savior requires a savior himself.

Oh! What is this land? I believe there is good in these people, through the thick and the mud and the tits...     

Spaceport Breakroom - Saturday, July 4th

Crew,

Spaceport will be closing early today, July 4th at 6 pm in observance of Independence Day. ABSOLUTELY NO unauthorized personnel will be admitted after closing. That means no after hours parties for your friends, kids!!! Breaking this rule will result in prompt termination at the end of the season.

Your commander,

Skip

P.S. See you at the fireworks show!!!

Sally's Going Away - July 3rd

Ariel,

It bites a big one your folks wouldn’t let you come with me and my family to the lake for the 4th. What lame-o’s. Have a good time anyway; maybe you’ll see Waylon Myers at the firework show. He’s so dreamy.

By the by, if you maybe see Henry McKenzie, tell him to please call me next week. I left him that note the other day with his mom and he never came to see me. Do you think he likes me? Maybe he’s just shy. I hate this, Ariel! Ive been waiting all week, and nothing. Tell him to please call me if you see him. Tell him I think he’s so boss. Like Jeff Conaway from “Taxi” boss.

Second thought, don’t tell him anything at all. See you soon! --Sally

Mayor McKenzie's To-Do List - July 3rd

Cathy,

I hope you had a good vacation at the beach. Next time you decide to get a tan, don’t do it the week before July 4th. There is simply too much to do.

By the time you read this, I will be away myself, pretending to enjoy two days at the lake with Misses McKenzie, who insists I work too much to make the town of Sinkwood a pleasant place to live, and that, as she puts it, “even God took a day to rest, dear.”

Cathy, there is simply no other way to put it: July 4th, is the biggest day of the year, and it may very well be our swan song. Its success (or god forbid, failure) will be the last chance we have to cement our relationship with the voters. In hasty order, I need you to do the following:

1. Call and confirm with Deputy Chief Haygood that a city Fire Truck is set to show at Alvin’s Drive-In Safari Saturday at 9 pm SHARP to supervise the fireworks display.
2. Take the gift basket on my desk (the one with the girlie magazines, six pack of Coors, Twizzlers, and bar of soap) and get in your car.
3. Stop by Big Earle’s Spirits and pick up a bottle of Cutty Sark and a box of Dutch Masters.
4. Deliver the Cutty Sark to Chief Haygood at the firestation. This will serve as a double and TRIPLE confirmation of the fire department’s involvement in Saturday night’s festivities.
5. Go to the Safari Drive-In and drop off the gift basket for Alvin. That weird kid Ding Stiltz will probably be there but DO NOT drop the basket off with him. That kid could muck up snow in Alaska. Therefore, WAIT FOR ALVIN to arrive and give it to him personally. Tell him it’s compliments of the mayor.
6. Go to Reggie Lynnstock’s house and give him the Dutch Masters. Also: tell him ‘Queen Mother to show in the 4th’. If he asks what the hell you’re talking about, tell him the Mayor knows a few jockeys himself. We need our boys to win at Hornfoot field Saturday, goddammit -- so our coach needs to be in a good mood.

I appreciate everything you do, Cathy. If Misses McKenzie hadn’t tied me down a long time ago when she got pregnant with Lori, we’d be together today -- and we’d own this town!!!

--D

Greg's Plea - July 3rd

July 3rd
This may be the last time I ever write in this journal. In all truth, I may be in a jail cell this time tomorrow. I have no idea how I allowed myself to go along with this stupid, idiotic, completely bogus plan, but...what can I say? Rad pulled me into it once again. And Uncle Chauncey knows something's up, I can feel it. He keeps asking me questions about why I asked off work tonight and how come I don't want to dogout some trim with him. I just told him I was going to the Safari with friends and playing Atari afterwards, which did the trick. But still...it's like he can smell sleaze on me or something.

Please, let me make it out of this alive, I want to see Trish again.

Val Reminds Pete - July 3rd

Pig fucker,
Meet me at Tonys Pizza after you finish lickin your bosses grandmas ass. Tonight is quim heaven so dont fuck it up by forgettin to fill up your truck. And dont forget the ski masks! Were gonna need them. Vickis gonna be there. Know what that means? Im gonna fuck her some more since she seems to forget that I own her twat. But it also means none of these homos better look at her tits tonight. Pussy!!
   Val

Kim's Warning - Friday, July 3rd

Glenn
Dorko Rad called for the 12th time, call him back. It amazes me how little you twerps have going on. Mom knows I'm gone until Sunday for the Summer Rush event, STAY OUT OF MY ROOM! If I find out you let that perv go through my bras again, I'll make sure you suffer for the rest of your life! Enjoy your weekend playing with your geeky friends.
   Kim

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, July 3rd-July 9th Schedule

FIREWORKS SHOW SAT. JULY 4TH 9:30PM -- SHOWS FOLLOWING

Screen 1

Stripes -- 9:00

**Final Exam -- 11:10

Screen 2

**The Great Muppet Caper -- 9:15

**Demonoid: Messenger of Death -- 11:30

*denotes New Release

**denotes new screening, but not New Release