"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round-Up - August 9th

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Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round-Up
Sunday, August 9th, 1981

Alright, it’s time for a little tough love.

You know I love all of you, right? You are the loyal and the faithful: the broth in my soup; the beans in my chili; the shot of whiskey in this old cowboy’s coffee that makes him get up in the afternoon and hit the drive-in yet again. But I gotta be honest: I’m getting sick and tired of you lately.

And it’s not because you keep coming up in the middle of the flicks and wrapping your knuckles on the foggy windows of the Hemicuda, begging for an autograph or asking me what I think of Chuck Norris in this one, all the while disturbing Juanita Tubbs’s ecstasy (‘matter of fact, she kinda likes you buttin in). No, what’s driving my keister up the thin layer of horse manure is all you sob cases winin to me about this MTV business -- or whatever it is -- that’s apparently about to, as my reader Junior T. says, “dismantle the pop culture-evolutionary fabric all us celluloid sleazes hold dear, forever making the public indulgence of pornographic filth that has been held as a sacred right of passage in this country ever since Richard Hollingshead built the first drive-in movie stand at his gas station in Camden, New Jersey obsolete”.

Easy there, Junior. Do I understand you to say that the drive-in is about to die? All because you can suddenly turn on the tube and watch Mick Jagger strut his mouth sores in the comfort of your own home? I think not. It’s just another case of fearing the new thing because we all think this new thing is gonna fill in the holes of what there is right now. And Junior, I’m here to tell you this: there are no holes in what we have now.

You’re right: the kind of vice you can indulge in at the good ole American drive-in -- whether it be on film or behind tempered glass -- is only allowable in a few other places on Planet Earth, and none of them are in America itself.

So, NO, folks -- for the last guldern time, I AM NOT afraid of MTV. The drive-in will survive, so go on back to your own danged cars and celebrate the danged ritual for all it’s worth. And if you happen to hear Juanita Tubbs makin the sound of the two-headed hyena, that’s your cue to peak over the fence.

Sinkwood Woodpeckers vs Fresno Cowpokes Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, August 9th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
 Peckers  |0  |0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 1  | 0 | 0  |0  |  1  | 4    | 0 
 Pokes     | 2 | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0 |  2  | 5   |  0 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 0   | 1   |   0    |   0   |   2    | .167    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  4   | 1   | 1   |   1     |  0   |   0    | .393    
W. Myers, 1B     |  4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .097    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 3    |  0  | 0   |   0    |   1   |  1    | .103    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 4    | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .138    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .103    
T. Schmidt, C      |  2   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  1    |  1    | .182    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .120    
M. Hughes, P      | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  3     | .000   
                             |  32 | 1  |  4   |  1     |  2    |  12   |

Broken Greg - Sunday, August 9th

August 9th
I cannot believe it, in my own house! My own uncle! Fuck Uncle Chauncey! I can't believe he porked Trish! And I had to walk in on him holding her in the splits like she was some rag doll!  My God, the look in her eyes--Christ, the look in her face! She was loving it...

How could she? How could he!! I thought he meant something different when he said he was going to make it up to her for losing at the wet t-shirt contest...

I feel like total garbage. This summer truly has been an absolute fucking nightmare. And I will NEVER FORGIVE HIM! I don't have an Uncle.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In Schedule - August 7th - 13th

Screen 1
*Heavy Metal - 9pm
**The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - 11:15p
**The Last House on the Left - 1:20am(Friday only)

Screen 2
*Hell Night - 9:15pm
**Death Wish - 11:30pm
**The Sinful Dwarf - 1:30am(Friday only)

*Denotes New Release
**Denotes New screening, but not New Release

Thursday, August 3, 2017

King Stephen Stephens -- Monday, August 3rd

Friggin’ A I’m the KING!!! Ever since I told Bobby Lay Val’s the one sold the Poloroids of his tiny dick stickin it to Connie Cummings and Bobby beat the holy shit out of him, I’m my own boss. Sure I got the shit kicked out of me my myself by Bobby, but it was so worth it. Val’s too bruised up and bloodied to come around and collect from me anymore, plus he’s tied up with all that legal damage over in Hanford last Saturday night -- so he’s got all that on his mind. I can’t believe they’re blaming him AND Bobby Lay for all that damage!!! They'll be payin it off for years. Righteous!!!

‘Course I still got that Mr. Fascist Chocolate douchebag boss of mine and his b.s. commission to worry about, but it’s no big deal. With Val out of the picture and still plenty of inventory of the nudie mags and the Starlog backissues that the kids like so much, I’m doing hand over fist profits. The only thing I gotta worry about -- really -- is Mr. Chocolate finding out about it.

But to hell with it; Mr. Chocolate’s so damn buried in that race for Mayor he hardly thinks about his ice cream business and all us lowly toads anymore. Dumb fascist fudge packer.

Amarillo Sam's Sack - Sunday, August 2nd

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Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, August 2nd, 1981

Sam’s Mail Sack

Dear Mr. Sam,

I saw you scoping out those hot bods as a judge of the Wet T-shirt Contest at Alvin’s the other night and I just have to ask: how does a guy get a job like the one you got? I mean, you get to meet a lot of chicks, watch some sweet flicks, and tell us about it all in the paper every week. I also see that you’re one of the judges in the Chili contest next week. FREE CHILI! Seriously, guy -- How do I sign up?

--Billy B.


For the most part, you’re right, brother. On the surface, it might seem like I got it all. And in most cases you’d be right. Take, for instance, that kid who works all day at the Fotomat in the parking lot of the Sinkwood Mall. Is my job better than his? Well, my job certainly doesn’t involve sitting in a six-by-six camera-shaped box all day long with no air conditioning and constantly worrying some biker gang will chain my office up to one of their rigs and dump me in the river. So, yes, I’d have to say my job is better than his.

But before you come on down to the Sinkwood Times and start filling out your tax forms, let me tell you: it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Take, for instance, what happened to me Friday night after the Wet T-shirt Contest when I went on back to my trailer at the Lazy Acres Trailer Park and Juanita Tubbs was there to greet me. She had decided to go on quite the bender in Pioneertown but had cut her trip short when some big mouth blabbed to her that a bunch of teenage nymphos were asking me to contrast the varying degrees at which their mammary glands respond to cold water. You try telling a five-time MIss Schlitz Bar Fight Champ that kind of thing’s just a part of the job, and then let me know if you still want those press credentials.

And as for judging the chili contest, well: I was only asked to do it after last year’s Times judge, Home & Style Editor Brenda Jay Jenkins, spent three days in Sinkwood memorial sitting on the can while she waited for them to fly in a specialist from Guatemala. Rather than envying me, Billy, maybe you should pray for me.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Chauncey Makes Amends - Saturday, August 1st

Third Leggy Greggy! Get yo ass to the safari tonight cause Uncle Cock gots some tasty titties for you ta taste! My way of sayin sorry for not crownin yor piece of meat you braut last night as the Titty Queen of the Safari! She shore does have some real juicy watermelons, baby! Don't bring yor piece unless you want her to see you suckin milk bags that aint hers! I gots a major idea tonight Im bringin fuck tunes and suprizes. Tell those monkeys Rad and Glen to get ready cause tonight ther bananas gonna get peeled! 

Uncle Chauncey