"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

Friday, June 30, 2017

Alvin Paradise, 54 - Tuesday, June 30th

Well goddamn it Ding, we tried your goddamn so-called “great experiment” and it didn’t work. Nobody wants to see that goddamn fantasy shit. “Clash of the Titans” and “Dragonslayer” were two of the biggest goddamn opening night bombs we’ve ever had. Deena told me she ain't ever seen the concession stand goddamn slow in tge five goddamn years she's worked here! Folks were coming by Friday night and asking if we were open. GODDAMN FRIDAY NIGHT, for chrissakes.

I know you like the stuff, Ding, and I gave you this one chance because goddamnnit you’re my oldest and most loyal employee...even if you do seriously muck up every now and again. But goddamn witches and dragons and sorcery...this shit just ain't what our audience wants to see. They wanna see women with great big watermelons being torn apart by masked killers...something the whole family can enjoy!

Do me a favor and change the goddamn marquee today:


The teens will go ape for that shit.

Also, go out to Crazy Joe’s on Highway 41 and pick up all the fireworks on the attached list. We’re gonna give em’ a goddamn helluva show Saturday night!


Thursday, June 29, 2017

Sally Turner, 13 - Monday, June 29th

Hey Henry
I came by your house to see you but you were out. I guess you must be running around with Billy.

I missed you in Sunday School yesterday. Father Jake’s sermon was real interesting. It was about how David faced his fears when fighting Goliath. He said that David must’ve imagined Goliath in his underwear the way we’re supposed to when we’re scared of something. He also did voice impressions of Goliath -- he sounded like Yogi Bear haha.

My father kept asking about you during service, wondering where you were and making all these comments during the hymns about how it looks like your family’s falling apart. He's a total lame-o. Of course, I know he’s running for mayor against your dad, so he’s always looking for something. Anyway, I hope you’re not out next Sunday, because I always like it when you’re there. You make me laugh, even more than Father Jake haha.

I hope your mom gives you my note. She’s real sweet. --Sally

What are your plans for July 4th? My family’s going to the lake.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Mayor McKenzie's Fatherly Advice - June 28th


It broke your mother’s heart that you did not get your lazy butt out of bed this morning and come to church with us. More importantly, it disappointed me. Don’t you know I’m up for re-election in the Fall? If all the voters see in the pews at St. Vigor's between now and October 5th is me, your mother, and your sister, then you might as well be going into the voting booth and pulling the lever for that snake Joe Turner yourself! You know he’s trying to get this Jap auto plant project of mine shut down! Just think, Henry: all those good, hardworking people of Sinkwood won’t have a job because all you want to do is play video games at the damn Spaceport, roam down at the mall and stay up late watching those monster movies with your friend Billy.

You need to shape up, son. If you don’t, then you might as well pack your bags for Oates Military Academy in Alaska. This is my final warning.

Your father,

Mayor McKenzie

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - June 28th

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, June 28th, 1981

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been getting a lot of folks knocking on the door of my double-wide lately, and not for the usual reasons: no bill collectors or legal representatives for one of my five ex-wives coming to sue me for some waffle iron I refused to give em in the divorce. No, everytime I open my door these days it’s one of these clean cut door-to-door people with a vacuum cleaner in one hand and a bowl of dirt in the other, who I think  wants to throw the said dirt all over my floor and show me how fast he can clean it up with said sucker. The problem is, before I can tell him to go ahead, be my guest, and by the way, if you wouldn’t mind getting the rest of the trailer while you’re at it I may consider the purchase, they’re hitting me up with what they call this “amazing business opportunity”. They say they want to recruit me under their tutelage, and that for giving them just 300 beans, I can be a licensed door-to-door man myself, and after a very short 9 week training program, I can be the one throwing dirt on people’s floors and being strung along by them before they kick me out of their spotless mudroom that I made spotless. Then they say it doesn’t end there, and that for just 600 more beans, I can suddenly start recruiting folks my own danged self, and then I can be the one sitting back, making all the money off a sales force who doesn’t seem to be selling anything except more salesmen.

Now I’m not very good at numbers, so I called up my cousin Jimbo Barclay who graduated from Stillberg Community College in Applied Mathematics -- just about the smartest guy I know, and therefore, the black sheep of the family. After 10 minutes of asking me for money, Jimbo figured that if this model of recruiting actually works, then half the country by now should be knocking on doors selling vacuums -- and that in the next five years, the stump speech of your average politician won’t be about fixing the economy and putting clothes on poor nekkid African children -- but about how “Even you can be your own boss...if you just send in $49.95 for the basic starter sales kit and all applicable accessories”. That’s right: the future of politics won’t be votes, but commissions.

And speaking of government shams, “Stripes” opened this week at The Safari and it’s another one of those snobs vs. slobs epics that’s so popular right now -- basically the “Meatballs” of geopolitical conflict. Let’s see what we got:

--Billy Murray from “Meatballs” as a deranged New York City cab driver who hates his life -- and this is supposed to be absurdist comedy?; possibly the best all-nude mud wrestling match ever filmed, which really gets the philosophy of the sport; P.J. Soles from “Halloween”, who screams louder for Bill Murray than she did for Michael Meyers, and demonstrates how to properly use a suitcase for things other than clothes; and an ending that could very well end the Cold War if the Ruskkies had any sense of humor. I guess we’ll just have to settle for World War 3.

Sam says check it out, and remember: don’t sign up to throw dirt on anyone’s rug unless it will almost certainly lead to the kind of Ardvarking that’ll make a stag flick blush

"Eye on Sports" interview with Coach Reggie Lynnstock - June 28th

"Eye on Sports" with Bill McNeil

Sunday, June 28th, 1981

 Whoever said "You can't win them all" was obviously a Peckers fan and this week is no different. Yesterday's game against the Oilers of Hanson went better than expected, but the end result was the same. Chalk another one up in the loss column for Coach Reggie Lynnstock and his band of miscuing Peckers. The bright side of their 2-0 defeat? Five hits against only committing two errors. Of course those two errors were costly, late in the game flubs that allowed Hanson to finally score. One other silver lining in the loss is ten year-old Mason Hughes, who pitched a masterful, albeit wild game with twelve strikeouts, not allowing a run until the final frame. This reporter caught up with Coach Lynnstock after the game with a few questions for the embattled maestro, including his feelings on the remainder of this season and what his thoughts are on the little Valenzuela.

BM: Coach, is this loss any different than the others, knowing you might have found a gifted starting pitcher?

RL: Are you f----- crazy? We can't hit s---, Jack! What we gonna do with fine a-- pitching if we ain't got no motherf------ hitting?

BM: So, you were not impressed with your young pitcher?

RL: S--- yeah, I was impressed! That little motherf----- threw gas all damn day! But he hits for s---.

BM: Coach, what is your vision for the remainder of this season?

RL: Vision? Listen here, peckerwood, the only thing I'm seeing right now is a motherf------ four-eyed, cracker with an attitude that don't know s--- about baseball. We gonna win every damn game from here on out! If I gotsta scour the ends of the earth for some babies that can hit, that's what the hell I'm gonna do! Now, excuse me, motherf-----!

 Coach Lynnstock seems riled up and almost believable, but like someone once said, "What's done is done" and this season seems done.

Uncle's Appreciation - June 28th

Mista third leg Greg! Hell I forgot about how much hole is at the Safari! Hadnt been since I was bangin puss at yor age. I slid into some flesh named Vicki durin the 1st picture then took a brake for a dog an a piss. That army flick was funny. Next thing I know I got this yung sweet thang named Angie in the van for the second pic! Why you been holdin out on yor Uncle?? They both say they know ya! We coulda been splittin down with these chicken asses! My boy we could make a hell of a team! They brang em we bang em! Gonna tie one on this mornin. I'll swing by and pick you up after yor off the clock and we'll birddog some beaver!

Uncle Chauncey

Sinkwood vs Hanford Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, June 28th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
Peckers  |0  |0  | 1  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  |0  |  1  | 5    | 1 
  Oilers   | 0  | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 |0  | 0  | 2  | 2   | 2   |  0 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |   0   |   1    | .000    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  3   | 0   | 1   |   1     |  1   |   0    | .250    
W. Myers, 1B     |  4   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .182    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 4    |  0  | 0   |   0    |   0   |  2    | .000    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 4    | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .100    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  4   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .250    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 1   | 0   |   0    |  1    |  1    | .000    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 1   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .111    
M. Hughes, P      | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  3     | .000   
                             |  32 | 0  | 2   |  1     |  2    |  10   |

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Val Ain't Playing - June 27th

Butt slammer,
Meet me at the Spaceport when youre done gulpin your bosses beefstick. We got shit to take care of. Shitstain Stephens needs an ass beatin first up. That dweeb shit for brains wants a bigger cut of the money from the fuck photos. AND you ready for this shit----he's fag! The queerbo wants to get in a relationship with me! He's been askin for a boot up his ass since he was born now he wants a dick! Second thing I hear that dork Radinsky is plannin a panty raid on the Omega Pi house next weekend. I want in. Im bettin his geek squad is at the Spaceport. If his plan is solid we make him a member of the crew.

Stephen's Simple Concern - June 27th

Valentine -- First off, I want to compliment you on your business model. The decision to sell your old pornography in addition to those photos of Miss Cummings being made love to at the drive-in is inspired and I believe we will do well with the youth of this town. Please note: I have also put my own back issues of favorite magazines on the market. I think the kids will enjoy them as much as I have.

That being said, Valentine -- and please know: I don’t mean disrespect. But business is very slow to take off, and our partnership agreement troubles me. With me paying you eighty percent of my take, that leaves me in a worse position than I was before we made the agreement. Three times last week, my profit margin was less than seven dollars. Everything else went to Mr. Chocolate. Not only that, but I am taking quite a risk with the Big Man selling contraband merchandise. ALSO: if Miss Cummings's boyfriend, Mister Lay, finds out about our business, he will surely not be happy.

Just a thought. --Stephen

PS: I only bring up these concerns because I truly believe our venture together can be magical and I look forward to where our relationship takes us! Cheers! 

Billy's Proposition - June 27th


"That’s a fact, JACK!"

Damn, that movie was the best! Bill Murray is the funniest man alive. He is KING!!!

Seriously, though, Eddie’s going to Hanford in a few weeks to qualify for the state Asteroids tournament at the 7-11. You’d be seriously stupid not to come. Eddie said he’ll pay for everything.

Fantastic Fun Factory Ice Cream! - Saturday, June 27th

The Fantastic Fun Factory Ice Cream Truck
--NOW OPEN!!!--

Cone (1 scoop) -- .75
         (2 scoop) -- 1.00
Sundaes -- 1.00
Shakes -- .75
Banana Boat -- 1.75
Popsicle -- .75

***Secret Menu***
"Connie Cummings Cam" Polaroids -- 5.00 each (15. for the set)
--”Mission: Discovery”
           --”Give Her a Hand”
           --”Mighty Tasty!”
           --”London Symphony Orchestra”
Selected Back-issues -- 2.00 each (3 for 4.)
--National Lampoon
--Famous Monsters of Filmland

Monday, June 26, 2017

Patricia vs Theresa - June 26th

Stanley called again. It must have been a dull day because he only called seven times. I have to close the bar all weekend long, so I might not see you much. The fridge is full of groceries, I went shopping today. I put Twinkies in the cabinet for you. The beer is your Uncle's. Now, as for you and your Uncle, both of you behave this weekend, please. I have Sharon Freeman coming over tomorrow morning to start work on our chili recipe for this year's cook-off in August. Theresa McKenzie has won it three year's in a row! Thanks for your work around the house AND for being so good with Chauncey. He can be a handful, but he loves you. And I love you.


Free Stuff For Connie - June 26th

Brenda! Call me when you get off work! Bobby wants to go see Stripes tonight and you and Jerry could meet us at the Safari. Ever since we went a couple of weeks ago, we get treated like the homecoming king and queen. Last week, that Ding Stiltz gave us free sodas and popcorn all night! I mean, he's a weirdo perv dorko, but it's still free stuff!

Henry the Wizard - June 26th

I don’t know what happened last night at Spaceport. It’s all a real blur. All I can remember is my score kept getting bigger and bigger on the screen...and Billy standing right next to me, cheering me on and also yelling at this big crowd of kids around me to back up and give me some space. It was awsome!

I didn’t even feel like playing games last night and I hate Asteroids, which I’ve always sucked at. But Billy told me to get down to the Spaceport so I could maybe get out of this Marion crush, and the next thing I know he’s scored all these quarters from his brother Eddie and he just put one into Asteroids and told me to play it. He said just play and don't even think about it. It was so weird. It was like I took all that focus I’ve had on Marion the last 2 weeks and just put it into that game...and before I knew it, I had the high score on that machine and I was on my way to getting the store record! All these kids started crowding around me like I was Tommy or something. The Spaceport staff even put “Pinball Wizard” on the intercom, even though I wasn’t playing pinball! Eddie told me afterward that that’s an honor at the place and that some day The Who or Peter Frampton or somebody will write a song about video games. Eddie also told me I should go out to the 7-11 in Hanford with him at the end and try to qualify on their machine for the State Championship. Going to that would be rad, but I doubt I could double what I did last night. Like mom says: lightning never strikes twice! Still, Eddie said he’s going for it himself, and he’s pretty good. So with me there, I’ll at least help him even out his chances. Then Eddie could drive Billy and me to Hollywood. Shoot, man, we could maybe see Marion!

Greg and the Girl - Friday, June 26th

June 26th
Sonny's is a goddamn strip joint! Trish is a stripper! A stripper...

Okay, I like her. Her choice of profession isn't ideal, but...she's smart as a whip. Trish is like no girl I've ever met. She's gorgeous and...nice...but, how do I have a relationship with a stripper? Rad is going to flip his wheels about this. Oh God, I can't tell him! If I tell him, he'll be on my back all Summer to introduce him to Trish's stipper coworkers. He'll have his eyes on her every second, mentally undressing her. I know him, he'll basically pork her non-stop in his brain. Even the thought of her being violated in his mind makes me sick! I have to keep her away from him. Out of sight.

Alvin’s Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, June 26th-July 2nd Schedule

Screen 1
*Dragonslayer -- 9:00
The Cannonball Run -- 11:35

Screen 2
*Stripes -- 9:15
Raiders of the Lost Ark-- 11:45

*denotes New Release

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Billy's Pep Talk - Thursday, June 25th

Henry! You done daydreamin about Marion yet? Look man I know she’s cute and all but you gotta remember that ‘Raiders’ is just a movie and that Marion is an actress. You stand no chance with her dude -- like no chance! Not tryin to hurt your feelings are nothin, but you’re waistin your whole summer up in your room dreamin about some girl who doesn’t even exist! She dates other movie stars and stuff.

Look you need to come down to Spaceport. My brother just decided he’s gonna enter that Asteroids tournament and he got the day off at the garage to practice. He’s givin me, like, unlimited quarters to kill time with while he’s training. It’s great. He’s feeling all guilty because he feels like he’s not spending enough time with me this summer an’ stuff. Come on down man! There’s no Marions, but there is a girl playin ski ball who looks like that chick who skinny dipped in Friday the 13th 2. Tight bazookas!

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Mayor McKenzie's Plea - June 24th


I need you to cancel whatever your plans are tonight and distract that old fart Ed Grizzard. That big dinner with the Japs and the Rotary Club is tonight and Ed came back into town early from his vacation to Yosemite. This is supposed to be a peaceful occasion between our two great countries that’ll hopefully convince those Godzilla snacks to invest a lot of money in this town and if Ed’s there he’ll just start drinking and hurling all his WWII bullshit at those Harbor bombers.

Just take him to dinner or a movie. Hell, blow him in front of his wife if that diverts his attention -- I don’t care. JUST MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T SHOW UP TO THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE BETWEEN 8 AND 10!!!


Give Greg a Break - Wednesday, June 24th

June 24th
My God, does this town ever have a normal day?! I don't know if I can handle the pressure of my recent existence. Rad is on me every single day to hang out and party and look for girls and now there's some Asteroids tournament that Glenn is in...Mr. Garrone has been nice to me at work, but it's like he needs me much more than I was hoping. Of course, the pizzeria is almost an escape for me from all of the bullshit in this town. Uncle Chauncey will NOT give me space, either! The other night I walked in on him bonking some girl he kept calling Lenore. He was on my bed and mounting her like a wild animal! I think I saw his wad for christ's sake! I just want people to LEAVE ME ALONE!

But that Trish Hampton...well, that is not a bad thing. I definitely remember her from school. And she's been looking for me! I'm off tomorrow, so...maybe I will go see her at Sonny's. I think that's a seafood restaurant, so maybe I'll sit in her section! 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Eddie the Hero - June 23rd

Hey little man, sorry we haven't been hanging much this Summer. A bunch of guys quit the garage and my boss has been leaning on me a bunch. It's good money, but no days off. Guess what? There's an Asteroids tournament coming up. Grand prize is $10,000! I think I'm gonna go for it. I have a few weeks until the qualifying round. 10 grand would definitely get us a new tv so you can watch Greatest American Hero! Maybe a new black firebird for me...we'll cruise out to the beach in style!

Uncle Chauncey Has a Gift - June 23rd

Third Leg Greg! Lissen up my young beaver retreever, I gotsta take home that long limbs lenore you caught me with last night. Hate you had to see that but itd been 8 days since I had a piece. Believe me you dont wanna see yor ol Uncle Cock at 9 days with no flesh. I get mean enough to eat the asshole outta grizzly bear. Dont worry she wasnt worried bout you seeing her bent over like that. She knows shes an animal! She even said youre a cutie. Her words, sonny! When I get back----you n me are gettin lit.

Uncle Chauncey

If you wanna split down with long limbs lenore, jus lemme know and I'll make it happen! Gift from yor Uncle!

Mason on Deck - June 23rd

Man this stupid cup makes my balls itch. I think I get why this ball league makes you wear one during actual games -- but why practice? If you take a hit down there, you can just walk it off - it’s not like you’re holdin up the game. Buncha fag pansies.

I don’t even wanna be here right now. It’s the afternoon and all the tits are down at the community pool -- not at the ballpark. So friggin queer. First my dad loses a bet to Coach Lynnstock that the Padres lose this weekend and now I’m the one stuck holding the bag on it? Lynnstock says I got a hell of a rocket hangin off my shoulder so he puts me on the team instead of my dad payin him off. Dad’s such a dump truck loser. Plus all these kids are in 6th and 7th grade and they hate me anyway! Last week they were beating me up for throwin the ball good, which is what Lynnstock bought me off my dad to do. Man this stupid cup makes my balls itch. Also there’s a buncha weird chinamen watchin me from the stands with Mayor McKenzie. Eat crud you bozos.

Trish Hampton, 19 - June 23rd

Hi Greg,
I don't know if you remember me from high school, but we had Home Ec. together. I sat at the table next to you, by Mrs. Hughes' gerbal cage. I have been looking for you since I got back into town last week. Kim Kleinstein told me you worked here, but I haven't seen you yet. Hopefully, I'll run into you before the Summer ends! 

           Trish Hampton

PS: I'm working part-time at Sonny's out by Highway 41, if you ever want to come say hi! xo

Rad Has It On the Brain - Tuesday, June 23rd

Greg! Did ya see the fliers all over town?? There's a state tourney for Asteroids with a BIG MONEY PRIZE! Glenny Glenda says he's gonna fuckin win it! He said FUCKIN! He hasnt said Fuck since junior high when we all saw Jaws at the Safari! The qualifier is end of July at the 7-11 in Hanford! Finals are in LA! 10 grand in LA! Think of all that snatch!

Silco West State Championships - June 22nd




$10,000 GRAND PRIZE!!

*Qualifying Rounds 
June 27th - August 15th, 1981
at local
Circle K's
Winchell's Donuts
*Check your local Silco West vendor for more details about your area

*Semi Finals
Saturday, August 22nd, 1981

Saturday, August 29th, 1981
The Sheraton Plaza Hotel


Thursday, June 22, 2017

Stephen and Val's Business Plan - Monday, June 22nd

Well Mr. Chocolate’s Fascist Fun Time Ice Cream Company just pulled a real boner move: they’re upping my truck lease 20 dollars a day. Balls! How can that guy expect anyone in his army of white tuxedo goose-steppers to make that? I may have to take that skeev Valentine Reynolds up on that idea he pitched me the other day.

He got busted at the mall for selling these shots of some lady getting made love to at Alvin’s -- and he blew all the money he DID make on some lake house blowout last weekend with all his skeev friends -- so now he’s asking me to use my ice cream truck to keep selling the photos and thus keep up his cash flow. Val said he got the idea from that latest “Cheech and Chong” movie. He said we’ll be partners, 70-30 -- with him taking 70, but oh well, in my current situation it may be worth thinking about. Although I may have to talk to him about some of the stuff on his so-called “secret menu”.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - June 21st

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, June 21st, 1981

I’ve been getting a lot of letters from you guys saying: “Sam, I love your drive-in reviews and find them both entertaining, hilarious and intellectually stimulating -- but I still don’t know how to score with my date!” Well to me, it would seem like a lot of you Cadillac Cassanova’s are just simply bad at picking up signals. Like for example: when you tell your lady it’s time to quit with the front seat strep throat inspection and jump right into the Tijuana Tango before the flick starts and she, say, kicks you in the cajones, then it might be time to get refined in the fine art of subtlety.

And speaking of missing signals, we got a regular 1981 Hollywood yearbook racing across America in “The Cannonball Run”, spearheaded by the Mustached Bandit himself, Burt Reynolds. Here he reminds me of that guy who graduated years ago and can’t stop coming back to relive his glory days. “Hey, Victor, let me get this straight: you wanna pull over for a black priest in a red Ferrari?” Just more proof that race relations have come a long way. Let’s take a look under the hood:

--’Hollywood Stars’ meets ‘Death Race 2000’, with Roger Moore a poor-man’s Sly Stallone; Don DeLuise as a loony mechanic and second banana to Burt’s mustache; just about everyone filling screen time between shots of Farrah Fawcett’s legs and Adrienne Barbeau’s skin-tight jumpsuit; and most-promising newcomer Jackie Chan, who can really make a splash at the American drive-in if he would just stop getting distracted by “Behind the Green Door” and keep his eyes on the danged road!     

Sam says give it a look.

Rad's 4th - June 21st

Greggo! Where the hell were you last night?? Me n Glenny Glenda waited at the Safari all night, you never showed! It was packed with skeaver beaver! You been actin funny ever since you got back in town, like not haha funny. You goin queer or somethin? Its cool if you are, just let me know. Look man, the Glennys got an idea. He heard his sister talkin on the phone to Lori McKenzie and theyre both in the same sorority at Fresno. Theyre havin a mid-Summer rush party weekend of the 4th! PANTY RAID! Meet us tonight at Spaceport when you get off!

Sinkwood Woodpeckers Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, June 21st

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
 Tigers    |3  |3  | 1  | 3  | 1  | 6  | 2 | 1  |4  | 24  | 31    | 0 
Peckers  |0  |0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0    | 2     |  10 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |   1   |   0    | .000    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  3   | 0   | 1   |   0     |  1   |   0    | .200    
W. Myers, 1B     |  4   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  3     | .142    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 4    | 0   | 0   |   0    |   0   |  3    | .000    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 3    | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  3    | .000    
J. Hampton, LF  |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .000    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .000    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .000    
R. Carlisle, P       | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  0     | .000   
                             |  29 | 0  | 2   |  0     |  2     | 12   |

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Tony's Sage Advice - June 20th

Pick up-
3 pounds of olives
3 cases of tomatoes
4 pounds of mozzarella
5 pounds of pepperoni

Don't fuck this up, Paulie. Last night killed us and I gotta drive all the fuck way to Fresno to pick up more sodas to get us through the weekend. I'll be back by 1, so have all the shit or I'm gonna beat your momma to death with a bread stick!


The joint is yours til I get back. Keep the cocksuckers happy like you always do. If that mutt Paulie fucks up, handle it the best you can. Got no worries with you, you're a fuckin prince! 

Ps- this blonde chick's been coming up lookin for you. Tina, I think. Jesus Christ, she's a piece of prosciutto you gotta wrap around your sausage! I'm sure she's a nice girl, show her out on the town tonight. I'm giving you tomorrow off!

Kind Val - Saturday, June 20th

Dick lick,
There's prime duckbutter to soak up at the lake. Today, fag. I made so much change off those photos Im even gonna treat your ass to a sixer. Course, youre splittin it with me! When youre done bustin your bosses brown eye, meet me at Tony's for a slice, then we mount tail.

Henry's Obsession -- Friday, June 19th

Hey Billy. I got your note, I'll meet you at Tony's for lunch. Sorry I’ve been off the grid this week. It’s just…

It’s that girl who played Marion man. I think I’m in love with her. She’s such a beautiful woman and I can’t stop thinking of her. I know you’ve been going on about Connie Cummings all week -- but Marion’s a WOMAN! Nothing compares with Marion.

I’ll come out tonight, but we gotta go back to Alvin’s to see “Raiders” again. I’ve been trying to draw her from memory this week and think I’m almost there. I just keep getting stuck on her nose…. That beautiful nose...

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, June 19th-25th Schedule

Screen 1
Raiders of the Lost Ark -- 9:00pm
*The Cannonball Run -- 11:50

Screen 2
**Clash of the Titans -- 9:15
Friday the 13th Part II -- 11:40

*denotes New Release
**denotes new screening, but not New Release

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Billy's Pissed - June 18th

Hey Henry! Ass head! Whatchya doin’?!? I don’t know what gives man -- you’ve been in your room ever since we saw “Raiders” last week at Alvin’s and I’m tired of this crapola. I tried gettin you one of those Poloroids of that Connie Cummings chick getting dorked but that jerko Val sold all the rest he had to Ollie Walsh. Maybe I can borrow 5 bucks from Eddie and try and buy back a couple for you. Or you can trade that “Famous MOB-sters” Wacky Pack card you got that Ollie’s been bonin for since last summer.
What gives!
It’s summer man! We got work to do!

Kim Won't Show - June 18th

I told you to tell that twerp Rad to STOP BELCHING ON THE PHONE!!! The little pussball wants you to meet him at Greg's house. Hope you have fun nerding out with those dweebos. And if Rad asks me one more time if I have any friends that show their boobs for cash, I'm going to tell Bobby Lay about what you guys did!

Hungover Greg - Thursday, June 18th

June 18th
Oh God...I feel so sick still...I can't go into work. I will never never never drink what Uncle Chauncey gives me. And I will never ever never take whatever pills those were again. I can't even remember that girl's name. Trix, maybe?...What am I going to tell Mr. Garrone?

Friday, June 16, 2017

Mason Hughes, 10 - June 16th

All those kids on the ‘Peckers ball team are a buncha fag pansy crud eaters. All I was doin was hangin around watchin them practice and they all just came out and jumped me like I was some kinda moon goon. I think its cuz they were jealous I threw that foul ball back on the field better than any throw they had seen all day. Even their coach looked impressed! He came out of the dugout and asked me where the hell I learned to throw like that, but I was so upset and cleaning the blood off my nose I told him to stick it in his own. Guy was totally homo’in out on me

The Spaceport Breakroom - Tuesday, June 16th


Whoever knows what employee posted those distasteful photos of SPACEPORT District Supervisor Bradford Cummings’s daughter on the bulletin board needs to see me immediately! I will not tolerate this perversion.

Additionally, I have been hearing many complaints lately from SPACEPORT customers concerning you, our staff -- including:

  1. Using foul language
  2. Playing games while on the clock
  3. Allowing non-paying patrons to loiter in storefront
  4. Wearing official SPACEPORT jumpsuits that smell of marijuana

I will not take disciplinary action at this time; as school is out, this is our busy season and we need all the help we can get. However, be aware that SPACEPORT is a family entertainment zone. We do not cater to the debaucherous crowd and I will certainly not have my employees promoting it as such. If you choose to continue acting a fool, then you choose to seek other employment at the end of the summer. From now on, you will all be clean, friendly, and remember:

SAY “THANK YOU, SIR” to every man

   “THANK YOU, MA’AM” to every woman, and

   “THANK YOU” to every child

Your commander,


Thursday, June 15, 2017

Uncle Chauncey and the Best Damn Summer Ever - June 15th

Greg with the third leg! What the hell you workin all the damn time for? Lissen up you big nut beaver machine, make some time for yor Uncle cause im gonna show you the summer of yor life! Duckbutter gonna spurt all over yor face like the best keg stand you ever did!! Trust yor Uncle. Yor ass is mine tomorrow, I know yor off! Cruise time in the van!I gotta split for a few but I'm gettin back tonight. This guys sposed to have some primo grass. Trash this note I dont want yor momma gettin on to this. Have some of the beer.

Uncle Chauncey

Keep on yor brain--- Springsteen in LA in August! Trim every place we look!

Billy Freeman Gets Lucky! - June 15th

Henry! You gotta ask your mom for an advance on those chores she gave you and meet me at the mall. I just heard my brother talking on the phone and Val Reynolds took some shots of Connie Cummings getting dorked the other night at Alvin’s! He’s selling them in the food court for 5 bucks a piece! Maybe Val’s not a loser like I thought!

Mayor McKenzie's Demands - Monday, June 15th


Get Reggie Lynnstock in here first thing this morning! Call his house and if you don’t get him, go over there. If he’s not at his house, check all the bars and then the racetrack. I don’t care if you have to call up Chief O’Boyle and put out an APB. I want him in my office by noon. I will not have that virgin baseball field defiled by his drunken complacency!

Also a reminder that the Japs are coming in next week. THIS IS CRUCIAL, CATHY!!! They’ve got deep pockets and we’ve got land out there on Highway 9 that’s ripe for an autoplant. I want to make sure those zipperheads feel at home. They love raw shit, and I think there’s a restaurant over in Stockdale that makes it; call them and pick up a platter for a meet-n-greet lunch when the group flies in next Monday. Also, maybe call up that teacher who runs the model U.N. club over at the middle school; those kiddos might have an idea about what the nips like. Tell her we’ll give them Pizza Hut gift certificates or something.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Patricia and Greg and Uncle Makes Three - June 14th

Stanley called, again. Please call him back. I told him you were at work, so he may have come up to see you. There are plenty of groceries in the fridge and some Jell-O ready behind the Colt-45. The beer is for your uncle. Gregory, I know Uncle Chauncey can be a handful and a little different at times, but he loves you and I think this summer is going to be great with him around. After your dad died, I've had a tough time trying to juggle life...and he's my brother so he wants to help. I'm closing the bar tonight, so I'll be back late. I love you, so glad to have you home.