"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

Monday, July 31, 2017

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In Schedule July 31st - August 6th

Screen 1
Wolfen - 9pm
**Maniac - 11:15pm

Screen 2
**Halloween - 9:15pm
**Andy Warhol's Frankenstein - 11:30pm

7:30pm at Screen 2
Uncle Chauncey's Wild 'n Wooly Wet T-Shirt Contest!
Dress to impress but only the wettest are the best!

Prizes immediately following!

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Hanford P.D. Incident Report - Wednesday, July 29th

Case No.: 05096734 Date: 7/29/1981

Responding Officer(s): J. Hernandez, M. Hughey Prepared by: M. Hughey

Incident: During the afternoon of Saturday, July 26th, 1981, Officers responded to public disturbance at 7/11 on corner of Elm and 3rd Street N. Appearances of criminal mischief, vandalism, and looting that stemmed from an argument between two individuals, a Mr. Valentine Reynolds, 25, and Robert Lay, Jr., 21 of Sinkwood, CA.

Detail of Event: According to witnesses, at approx. 2315 hours, Robert Lay, Jr., sped into the parking lot of the 7/11, driving a white 1978 Ford Mustang and parked. Mr. Lay paced angrily throughout the lot, which was full of customers lining up to participate and/or spectate in a qualifying round for a state videogame championship, and hurling obscenities, asking individuals “Where the fuck is Val?” and “I’ll put my hand up his ass and hand screw him”, among other threatening phrases. In the opinion of many eye witnesses, it appeared as if Mr. Valentine Reynolds had several revealing and lude photographs in his possession of Mr. Lay in various fornicative positions with a third party who was not present, a Miss Connie Cummings of Sinkwood, CA. (photos in evidence folder 11-A). At one point, Mr. Lay approached the fuel island of the establishment, and began spraying gasoline fuel on Mr. Reynolds’s car, a tan 1981 Chevrolet Malibu, and threatened to ignite it. According to one eyewitness, he was “like a wild man”. At this point, Mr. Valentine Reynolds revealed himself from inside the establishment. Several obscenities were exchanged between the two involving each individual’s mothers and an assortment of household appliances, which, it would seem, then evolved into physical assault between the two.

It is not clear from eyewitnesses -- many of whom are themselves suspect in charges of physical assault and property damage -- but at some juncture, a fight between two men evolved into riot. It is the belief of one eyewitness, a Mr. Edward Freeman, 20, of Sinkwood, CA, that much of the crowd grew infuriated when the store’s single “Asteroids” video machine was destroyed in the rucus, thus infuriating and empowering the crowd, many of whom were at the 7/11 for the sole reason of playing the game and thus qualifying for the state championship in Los Angeles, CA. The store’s owner, a Mr. Carl Deal, 56, of Hanford, attempted to quiet the crowd by handing out free overstock items of the album “Escape” by the rock group, Journey, but to no avail.

Conclusion of Event: The 7/11 location has been closed until further notice. Valentine Reynolds, Robert Lay, Jr., and fifteen other suspects have been incarcerated and are currently awaiting arraignment in Hanford Municipal Jail.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - July 26th

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, July 26th, 1981

Ever since I told all you guys a couple months back that the good ole’ American hamburger is going right in the toilet, I’ve been getting all sorts of calls and letters from the big fast food companies telling me to change my opinion to one that accurately reflects what they see as the facts. The average one goes something like this:

Dear Sam:
We are sorry you feel that your intestinal distress is caused by the high quality meat we serve you at bargain bin prices. Please know that this is not a designed or proven side effect of consuming our products; in fact, we fed our hamburgers to over 100 laboratory mice at three top-flight university laboratories, and found a success rate in stable bowel evacuations of over 90 percent. We stand strong in our belief that, just as was proven with the polio vaccine, if it’s good for the mice, it’s good for humans as well. We hope you will consider these facts and relay them to your readers.

Yours in Christ,

Average American Diarrhea Merchant

That’s all well and good; I’m glad the mice are regular enough to make it through an episode of “Family Feud” without having to run off to the can like they’ve got a cruise missile parked up there. But that still doesn’t answer the question of why I can’t keep the beef I eat with me any longer than it took my third wife to divorce me and take off with the Mr. Coffee. Heck, it’s getting so bad I’m thinking of installing a black water tank on the Hemicuda and cutting a kiester-size hole in the driver’s seat.
Now I know what you’re gonna say: “Amarillo Sam, you need to get yourself to the doctor and have your large intestine snaked.” As kind as you are to offer me the free medical advice, let me tell you that’s it’s not just your humble drive-in critic whose cutting his food better rates than the Star Motel cuts a working girl out on Highway 9. The Journal of American Gastrointestinal Health, which is one of those magazines they stock in doctors’ doctor’s offices and is read by some of the finest kiester specialists in the country, ran a long article this month stating that by age 35, the average American male has over two pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels, and that to make sure this won’t compound to four pounds or more by age 50, some primo food pharmacists are being contracted by Washington to inject new formula into the beef we eat that’ll help us kick out the new tenants before the ink’s dry on the lease. Now seeing that I’m the average American male (except for where it counts, if you catch my drift -- and I think you do), I can’t help but think that my hourly trips to the can are a direct result of the government tampering with my meat. They may have good intentions, but the mercury on my Conspiro-meter is rising, and it looks like Ronald McDonald may be colluding with Uncle Sam to sell us more meat at bigger prices.

Speaking of meat in the seat, John Travolta, your second favorite Sweathog, who got roasted on a Corvair spit in “Carrie”, is a sound design man for the movies who’s looking into the shady death of a politician in “Blow Out”, which opened this week at Alvin's Safari Drive-In. My indoor bullstuff-meter was running high on this one, seeing as how there’s a “movie-within-a-movie” and the director, Brian de Palma, is one of those guys who loves to rip off famous Hitchcock shots in a way that lets you know they’re ripped off but is still intended to make the more educated of you go, “Ooooooh, now that’s interesting the way he did that -- it reminds me of Hitchcock’s ‘Rope’, but with a more European sensibility.” Still, this flick’s still got some good, primal drive-in chops, like a thru-line where Barbarino’s job is to find and record the perfect scream of the horizontal pogo-stick.

Sam says check it out, and get a free hamburger on me.

Ode to the Peckers - July 26th

Page 3
Sunday, July 26th, 1981

Ode to the Peckers
By Anononymous

Born to lose and ready to roll
The Woodpeckers of Sinkwood didn't have no soul
Then out of the ashes like a Phoenix with might
They started playing the game real out of sight

Coach Lynnstock steered them to win after win
And his mouth kept spewing out all kinds of sin
They got a pitcher who throws like the great Sandy K
But he's only ten years old, turned it in May

Lynnstock the shortstop keeps hitting like Cobb
He better hit for money, his dad owes the mob
The catcher can't hit, neither can the rest
But the team's just a-winning and that's the true test

So if you come out to watch the little Peckers play
And the sun is shining on that wonderful day
Expect a win on the grass, not a loss in the muck
And close your ears because Coach will yell Fuck!

Sinkwood vs Lemoore Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, July 26th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
 Stripers  |0  |0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  |0  |  0  | 4    | 0 
 Peckers  | 2 | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  | 1  | 0 |  3  | 5   |  0 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 1   | 1   |   0    |   0   |   2    | .154    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  4   | 1   | 2   |   3     |  0   |   0    | .416    
W. Myers, 1B     |  4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .111    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 4    |  0  | 0   |   0    |   0   |  1    | .115    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 4    | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .120    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  0    | .120    
T. Schmidt, C      |  2   | 1   | 1   |   0    |  1    |  1    | .150    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 1   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .136    
M. Hughes, P      | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  3     | .000   
                             |  36 | 3  |  5   |  3     |  1    |  12   |

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Rad's Exhuberance - Saturday, July 25th

Greggo! You maniac! Youre as bitchin as Uncle Cock! I cant belieeeve you porked Trish last night!! She was moanin for that bonin! EVERYBODY was lissenin in on you goin for it you shoulda seen it! Nobody gave two shits about Faces of Death cause EVERYBODY was in on Dorkin of Trish! You were polin her so hard I thought her car was going to flip over! Uncle Cock said he was proud of your hog. Look me and Glenny Glenda are headin out to Hanford for the qualifier, MEET US WHEN YOURE OFF! Its a 30 minute drive so we'll still be there. Oh yeah I think Bobby Lay is on to us, I'll tell you later. Keep her groanin baby!

Monday, July 24, 2017

Stephen's Red Flag - Friday, July 24th


You weren’t home so I left this note with your landlady. I hope you’re only out for a minute and you haven’t gone down to Hanford yet for the big Asteroids competition BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION!!!

Bobby Lay came by the ice cream truck and raided me dry! He took off with the photos of him dorking Connie Cummings and I’m SURE he knows it was you who took the photos.  I think Kim Kleinstein must’ve told him, that whench!!

Anyway, he knows you’re going to Hanford for the big competition tomorrow so BE CAREFUL. His fists are like tanks, Valentine.


P.S.: Bobby also took off with all my cash so I will be a little short with your commission this week. Regrets.

Alvin's Safari Drive-In Schedule - July 24th-30th

Screen 1
*Blow Out - 9pm
**Cannibal Holocaust - 11:15pm

Screen 2
*Wolfen - 9:20pm
**Faces of Death - 11:25pm

* denotes New Release
**denotes new screening, but not New Release

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The Spaceport Breakroom - July 23rd


Spaceport will be staying open late tonight, July 23rd, to accommodate persons-in-training for the Asteroids qualifier in Hanford this weekend. The official last call for new games will be 11 pm and closing will be 12 am. I am requesting two volunteers to stay in case games go late. You will receive double-time compensation. Please sign-up below.

Your commander,


A Concerned Mother - July 23rd

Dear Mayor McKenzie,

I am not normally the kind of person to write a letter of civic critique to my mayor or representative; however, I must -- as a mother -- express my outrage at the senseless and gratuitous smut you have allowed to infect Sinkwood’s children at Mr. Paradise’s drive in cinema. This Friday past, I believed my sweet, precious son, Daniel, to be at the overnight lock-in at Saint Vigor’s. However, when I spoke to Father Jake Mahoney the next day, he said he had not seen Daniel since Sunday services. I confronted the boy, who admitted he had skipped scripture reading in favor of seeing the film “The Last House on the Left”.

OH MAYOR McKENZIE! If you could just hear some of the things that have been coming out of his filthy mouth this week. Just this morning, I caught him yelling at his sister -- his 6 year old sister! -- to “piss her pants” when she refused to give him the remote control.

Please, I beg you: tell Mr. Paradise his smut is not welcome in this town. If you do not, I assure you, my ladies in the garden club and I will remember in October.

Yours in Him,

Barbara B.

Angry Val - Thursday, July 23rd

Dick lick,
Meet me in lot in front of Jcpennys when youre done doggin out your bosses shit hole. We got shit to talk about the qualifier for the state tourney is saturday at the 7-11 over in Hanford and guess who the fucks gonna be there? Eddie Freeman and hes dead! He aint makin it cause I think hes havin himself an accident. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Kim Knows - Tuesday, July 21st

Tell your dweebo friends to get a life. El dorko Rad called for the 10th time. He says he wants you to meet him with all the other geeks at the Spaceport for your training. Oooh, learning how to be a space pilot? God, you are such a bogus dweebo lamewad! By the way, don't think for a second I'm not on to you, you little weasel! I know you had something to do with that perv stunt at my sorority. When I find out what you did or who you told, I'm going to make your life a living hell! In fact, I've already spoken with Bobby Lay about a few things. Eat shit!

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Henry's Lost Weekend - July 20th

Man I don’t even know where to start. Billy’s folks havin a fight and splitting up is probably the best thing that’s happened all summer.

I met him and Arial out in the woods Friday after he ran away from home and we ended up spending the whole freakin-a weekend out there. At first I felt like I was hornin in, but Arial turned out to be pretty cool and was kinda just like one of the guys. She even told this real scary story around the campfire about a deranged lunatic that escaped from the Bryce Sanitarium years ago and is rumored to still be living in the woods around Sinkwood and feeding on wild animals and shit. I got SO SCARED when I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard footsteps -- but it just turned out to be a raccoon goin through my backpack and tryin to steal my Twinkies. Totally lame.

SATURDAY was even better than Friday night. We explored all over the woods -- parts of those woods I never saw before. We even found a cave that probably went on for miles into the earth. There was Satan graffiti and demonic symbols all over the entrance that was real creepy. There was also a ton of trash that looked like some older kids had been partyin in there -- BUT CHECK IT OUT: we found an ALMOST FULL thing of Jack Daniels and Billy almost shit cuz he was SO happy. We each took turns taking longer sips and it tasted so bad, but eventually Billy grew to like it and he spent the rest of the time out in the woods draining the bottle.

THEN THAT NIGHT we heard some noises out in the trees and started freaking out cuz we thought it was that escaped lunatic or our parents with the police coming to look for us or something, but it just turned out to be Arial’s friend Sally Turner who’s been writing notes to me lately and leaving them with my mom. At first she was kinda pissed at me cuz she dropped all that chili off at my house after my Asteroids night at Spaceport and I never got around to thanking her. But then -- out of the blue -- SHE KISSED ME!!! I felt really bad for dodging her all summer, but what can I say? She’s a girl. I can’t talk to her like I can BIlly. Plus my dad’s real unsure about her since her dad’s running against him for mayor in October. BUT MAN, she tasted awesome.

Sally turned out be real cool the rest of the night after she kissed me. All the ground was real dry so we kept the fire goin with the leaves and twigs and downed trees all night. Billy was even able to pick up the signal from Alvin’s on the radio he brought so we all sat around listening to “Last House on the Left”. Even though we couldn’t see what was goin on, it was still great. The girls got real freaked out by it and hugged on us real tight. It was great. I kept thinking that’s what it must be like to hug Marion Ravenwood.

Sunday we knew it was probably time to get back. Even with my dad at work all the time and Billy’s parents splitting up, we knew they would start looking for us sooner or later. We had to say goodbye to the girls who kept talking about their bug bites and needing to take showers. We started walking back to town with them, but then me and Billy decided we’d hang back a little and catch up with em’ at the mall tomorrow. They said ok and gave us one last kiss. Then me and Billy went on back to the campsite. He showed me that he still had a few sips of the Jack Daniels left and poured me a little. It tasted like acid but he made a sound like it didn’t sting at all.

The Qualifier - Monday, July 20th



LOCATION: HANFORD 7-11 AT Phillips St. and Lacey Ave.
*All participants MUST sign in by 2pm! 
*No sign ins after 2pm!

*No freebies!


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - Sunday, July 19th

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, July 19th, 1981

***Sam’s Mail Sack***

Dear Sam,

On your recommendation, I went with my mother this week to Alvin’s Drive-In Safari to see “I Spit on Your Grave”. While we thoroughly enjoyed it, we were flat out mortified at many scenes involving the young female hero being taken advantage of by that group of mad hillbillies. I know you have a strict policy of impugning graphic violence unless it is necessary to the plot, so I must ask you this: at what point does violence (against women, especially) stop being necessary to the plot and become just plain gross and needless?


Elizabeth Q., 14 years old


First off, thank your mom for exposing you to such fine art at a young age.

You and your mom being women, a lot of your own kind have been comin down pretty hard on “Spit” for the very thing you mention; unfortunately, most of em aren’t like you and don’t choose to inform themselves with the facts before they start shoutin at whoever is guv'nor to ban the flick from the state of California altogether. If one of those ladies gets in your face and starts accusin’ you of betrayin your own sex, here’s a few simple rebuttals you can use. Don’t say I never did nothin for you.    

  1. If this movie only wants to glorify violence on women, then how come most of the rape scenes focus on the faces of the mad hillbillies rather than what they’re actually doing to the hero, Ms. Camille Keaton? It seems like the director, Meir Zarchi, is more interested in the emotional violence of the perpetrator than the physical scars of the victim.
  2. If this movie wants to “punish” women for putting themselves in vulnerable situations (as some of my limousine liberal lady detractors have suggested), then explain to me why the camera is never at one time placed in a subjective manner, as if Ms. Keaton’s bein spied on and plotted against. Instead, the camera is at all times objective. The camera never gets up close and personal: never sneaks up the lady’s leg while she’s sunbathing; never follows her into the shower and spectates. These are not the same choices a lot of your recent hack n’ slash flicks have made, where it looks the killer is filming victims for his or her own future snuff pleasure.
  3. If this movie has no plot for the violence to be necessary to, then consider this: “A young writer comes to the country to finish her book, and finds that no one can get a little peace without breaking a few eggs.” Makes you wanna salute a soldier next time you see one, don’t it?

And speaking of the summer of woman empowerment, that tiny little flick I accused last week of being “I Spit On Your Grave with a conscience” has come to Alvin’s this week for the challenge. You all be the judge and tell me: does Wes Craven’s Last House on the Left still have the chops, or have its hands gone soft after a few years of more grotesque imitators? Let’s see what we got:

--Nubile suburban flesh out on the wrong side of town to score some grass -- what could go wrong, and how badly?; David Hess as “Krug”, the boss psycho and master svengali, who’d be a great wingman the next time you’re in the can at Alvin’s with three guys bigger than you waiting for your nervous bladder to commence its biness; and home invasion chicanery and a chainsaw diet courtesy of one peeved-off parental.

Sam says check it out -- a great family film if your family’s name is “Manson”.

Sinkwood vs Caruthers Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, July19th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
Lil Padres|0  |0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  |0  |  0  | 4    | 0 
 Peckers  | 2 | 1 | 0  | 0  | 1  | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0 |  5  | 11    |  0 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 1   | 1   |   0    |   1   |   2    | .136    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  4   | 2   | 3   |   3     |  1   |   0    | .400    
W. Myers, 1B     |  5   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .130    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 4    |  1  | 2   |   0    |   0   |  1    | .136    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 4    | 0   | 1   |   1    |  0    |  1    | .143    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  4   | 1   | 1   |   1    |  0    |  0    | .143    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 0   | 1   |   0    |  1    |  1    | .111    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  4   |  0  | 1   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .105    
M. Hughes, P      | 4   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  4     | .000   
                             |  36 | 5  | 11   |  5     |  3    |  12   |

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Poppa Tony - Saturday, July 18th

-clean the fuckin toilets
-clean the fuckin kitchen
-sweep the fuckin patio

Don't fuck this up, you mutt! We need the joint clean for those Peckers tonight after the game. I gotta run out to pick up supplies and more fuckin wine. Your mother fucks mook dicks in hell, but you do a good job for me today you'll make a hundred extra on your paycheck.

-You're the fuckin son I never had, but please get that twat off your brain. She's turnin your mind into mush! Your register's been under for a week solid. I can't have this shit. Please, for the love of God, ball that bimbo.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, July 17th - 23rd

Screen 1
*Arthur - 9pm
I Spit On Your Grave - 11:15pm

Screen 2
Escape From New York - 9:20pm
**The Last House On the Left - 11:25pm

*denotes New Release
**denotes new screening, but not New Release

Greg and Trish - Friday, July 17th

July 17th
Tonight could be one for the ages. I have a date with Trish. We'll start the night early and have dinner in Hanford at Chuck Wong's, she says she loves Chinese food. Then, I think a nice moment would be for us to have some ice cream and walk by the lake before we come back to town and catch a movie at the Safari. She took off from Sonny's tonight, so she mentioned she wouldn't have to be home until dawn! This might be the night of my life!

Billy's Going Camping - Friday, July 17th


No doubt you’re reading this note in front of my mom, so just nod and smile and say “thank you” and sample some of her stupid chili if she offers you some -- THEN LIGHT THIS THING ON FIRE AND MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T SEE IT!!!

I know I was supposed to come to Spaceport today and watch you practice, but change of plans. Me and Ariel decided to pick up and go camping. MAJOR family pains right now and I just can’t deal with them. Go get your gear and then get your ass to that spot where we went that time to smoke my asshole brother’s cigs. Just tell your mom you’re stayin at my house or you’re goin to that dumbass youth group lock-in over at the church. Whatever you have to do.

Arial managed to lift some brews from her dad’s stash and I got plenty of snacks -- mainly beef jerky and trail mix. ALSO I got a radio. We’ll listen to tunes all night.


PS- my mom thinks I'm camping with you and Darby Hutchins, but you're meeting us later. She doesn't even know Darby is at summercamp right now!

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Chauncey's Safari - July 15th

Greg with the third leg! Dont know if yor at work but lissen up I got some primo thaistick comin this week with a buncha real loose flicks. You think those 2 new ones I showed last weekend were drippin wait til you get a load of what Uncle Cock be bringin on Friday night! I gots that ol Alvin eatin out of the palm of my hand after we did some far out bizness with all the new movies. And I got ideas, man. We doin ladies night on Monday to get more tatas on the slow days! Tell all the friends you got cause the Safari is BACK and in the bizness of lady gravy!

Uncle Chauncey

Mason's Big Move - July 15th

Yo Jermaine, man don’t worry bout those fags on the baseball team givin you shit. They only hate ya cuz they aint ya. Take it from me, I know. They used to beat on me worse than you only cuz I could throw better than any of em’. You’d think us winning a couple games would cool em off a bit, but oh well. Course you bein the coach’s son don’t help you much.Anyways I got a plan to get their respect. All those goons are boni for that lifeguard Leena the Squeala at the community pool, right? So you come up there with me this afternoon after ball practice and create a distraction -- like jump in the pool and fake you’re drownin or something. THEN this sly dog sneaks into the staff locker room and steals her panties.

That should keep em off us. --Mason

Sinkwood Recreation Center - Wednesday, July 15th

Pool Rules
  1. No diving off shallow end
  2. No bad language
  3. No alcohol or drugs on premises
  4. No swimming when thunder/lightening present
  5. No “baiting” lifeguards
  6. Have fun

Friday, July 14, 2017

Eddie's Apology - Tuesday, July 14th

Hey little man, I wanna talk. I hope you don't stay mad at me all Summer. You need to know Dad splittin like that wasn't your fault, I shouldnt've said that. Him and Mom have been having trouble for a long time, you know? I shouldnt've yelled at you like that. Yeah, I was angry or whatever cause you shouldnt've been at that movie but I was just wigged out with all this bogus shit with the two of them. I didn't want Mom to find out you went to that movie cause she doesn't need that shit right now, you know? Listen, it's gonna be cool. Maybe Dad will come back in a few weeks. You know he's just up in Fresno at Aunt Clara's. Look, I don't wanna sound like a sissy, but I love you, Billie.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up - July 12th

Page 12

Amarillo Sam's Drive-In Round Up
Sunday, July 12th, 1981

Well, I knew it would happen: ole Sam got some real dogged hate mail this week -- and not for the reasons you may think. No, folks weren’t bloating the Woodpecker mailbox with angry letters screaming “SAM’S A COMMIE! HIM AND THAT OTHER COMMIE DING STILTZ AT THE DRIVE-IN ARE PLOTTING TO OVERTHROW DEMOCRACY BY BLOWING IT UP, ONE CHEVY ASTRO-VAN AT A TIME!” No, sir -- this time, I’ve got the ladies’ groups after me: the garden clubs and bridge clubs; the Daughters of the American Revolution; the female Lions Club is trying to bribe my editor to fire me, using all the money their husbands gave them to invest in an ownership stake in the Chicken-on-a-Stick stand at the Sinkwood mall. Heck, even these limousine liberal ladies out of Los Angeles got a whiff of what I said in last week’s column and are calling in favors to make sure I do my reporting from here on out on some military base in Alaska where there are no drive-ins.

And what did I say again? Oh, yeah -- that Juanita Tubbs gets kinked out by Kermit the Frog, and I take advantage of that.

Now I’m willing to bet that none of you ladies have ever met Juanita Tubbs, unless you’ve been to Dollar Wings and Jell-o Fight Night down at Gus’s Roadhouse with two dollars and a bottle of Jose Cuervo in your pocket, but take it from me: she doesn’t need you saving her from sexual squalor.

This seems to be a real theme these days: the modern woman is very independent until one of you goes and does something different -- like express to a man that you have a delicate taste for a frog with a hand up his keister who likes to play the banjo. You say to the offending lady, “How could you? You know he’s just going to go and tell it on the mountaintop that the easiest way into your pants is by showing you the puppet in his!” You see what I mean? There’s a real Faye Dunaway from “Chinatown” syndrome in this new modern sisterhood, in that the sister is really the mother, and the mother is really the sister -- and whenever you have this kind of incest within a movement, the offspring ends up like Kermit the Frog byway of “Deliverance”, playing the banjo on the front porch of some podunk town about to be flooded with water to make room for some newer, more progressive civilization. I hope I made my point.

And speaking about the “Day of the Woman”, that’s the original title for the flick I saw this weekend at the Safari; fortunately they decided to go with the more feminist moniker, “I Spit on Your Grave”. It reminded me of Wes Craven’s “Last House on the Left” without a conscience. Let’s take a look:

--Camille Keaton as a hot-shot New York writer who moves to the country to “get away
from it all” and finish her new book; a few deranged hillbillies who will do anything to squash an arrogant urbanite’s “Green Acres” view of the country -- and do it multiple times; and an endless parade of flesh being sliced, wedged, hooked, gouged, and chainsawed.

Sam says check it out, and please stop writing your letters. Juanita can’t read anyway.

"Eye on Sports" - Sunday, July 12th

"Eye on Sports" with Bill McNeil

Sunday, July 12th, 1981

 Ted Williams once said, "Just keep going. Everybody gets better if they keep at it." Well, Teddy Baseball knew a thing or two about the Woodpeckers of Sinkwood, didn't he? And those little Peckers proved him right yesterday with a 3-0 victory over the Jailbirds of Corcoran. Sinkwood had their highest single-game run and hit totals this year, providing fans with much hope that the season has finally started to turn around.
 The offensive outburst was highlighted by shortstop Jermaine Lynnstock's 2 for 4 effort, which included a solo homerun into the left field stands. Pitcher Mason Hughes again electrified the crowd with another dominant performance, throwing 9 shutout innings and striking out 15. This reporter caught up with Coach Reggie Lynnstock after the game to get his thoughts on the victory.

BM: Congratulations, Coach, on your team's second victory in a row. What was your mindset before the game? That's a tough team you beat today.

RL: Godd--- right! That team's full of tough bastards!

BM: Coach, I don't think they're that bad. Maybe, the fans are a bit rude, but those players are just kids.

RL: What the hell you talkin'? All their daddies are in jail, you jive talkin', motherf-----! You can see the prison past center field! That team is fulla mean-ass, pop-ain't-around, gut-you-with-a-knife motherf------! 

BM: Coach, let us in on how you prepared your team for today's game.

RL: I promised I'd whoop they ass if we didn't get the W! 

BM: Thank yo--

RL: All these kids wanna do is play those godd--- arcade games, talkin' 'bout Asteroids all the d--- time. They're mind ain't where it needs to be! Every time I catch one of my players at that godd--- arcade I make 'em give me twenty push-ups and twenty laps around the parking lot right there! 

BM: Okay, thank you, Co--

RL: And I don't give a godd--- if they pitchin' good or hittin' the cover off the ball! You play on my team, your ass is grass and I'm the motherf------ lawnmower!

 The Sinkwood Woodpeckers have won two in a row and are on a roll. So, too, is their fiery coach. If they keep going like this, they'll be out of the basement in the standings and, just maybe, thinking about a winning season.

Sinkwood vs Corcoran Linescore & Boxscore - Sunday, July 12th

                / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 /  R  /  H  /  E  
Peckers  |0  |0  | 0  | 1  | 0  | 1  | 1 | 0  |0  |  3  | 6    | 1 
Jailbirds | 0 | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0  | 0 | 0  | 0  | 0 |  0  | 3    |  0 

Hitters              | AB  | R  | H  | RBI  | BB  | SO  | .Avg   
K. Thomas, CF  |   4   | 1   | 1   |   0    |   0   |   2    | .111    
J. Lynnstock, SS|  4   | 1   | 2   |   2     |  0   |   0    | .312    
W. Myers, 1B     |  4   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1     | .111    
Z. Ogdon, RF      | 4    |  1  | 1   |   0    |   0   |  1    | .056    
P. Caroley, 3B     | 4    | 0   | 1   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .118    
R. Carlisle, LF    |  4   | 0   | 1   |   1    |  0    |  0    | .118    
T. Schmidt, C      |  3   | 0   | 0   |   0    |  0    |  1    | .067    
D. Zelling, 2B     |  3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |   0   |  2    | .067    
M. Hughes, P      | 3   |  0  | 0   |  0     |  0    |  3     | .000   
                             |  33 | 3  | 6   |  3     |  0    |  11   |

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Rad Loves Spit - July 11th

Greggo! Your uncle is the raddest dude Ive ever known! He's a fuckin maniac! That Spit on your grave movie was totally gnarly! She got porked like ten times!! We gotta go back tonight after youre off work and see that Fight movie! Meet us at the Safari we'll be with Uncle Chauncey in the booth

Business is Booming! - Saturday, July 11th


Just checking in on you. I heard about the beating you took from Greg Freeman the other night at Spaceport. That really sucks a bone; let me know how I can help, if at all. I remember how I felt after you put me in my place a few weeks ago -- all the fantastical thoughts of revenge one has after they suffer such ultraviolence -- so I know what you’re going through.

I wanted you to know in your convalescence that our little venture is booming! They put some real crowd pleasing pictures on at Alvin’s last night, so I was able to sell plenty of stock on the secret menu to a crowd of, shall we say, “open-ended” tastes. After doing this a few weeks, it doesn’t look like Mr. Chocolate’s gonna catch on, and I’m finally netting a nice profit even after I give 70 percent over to you!

One minor quibble: I fear that Bobby Lay is close to finding out that we are the ones profiting from the documentary evidence of his tryst with Ms. Cummings, and when he DOES find out, I’m afraid I might get my ass kicked. I feel it may be wise to discontinue this merchandise; maybe you can bring your camera out of storage and we can perhaps capture another rendezvous that doesn’t have so much ”muscle” behind it. This can take place, of course, after you lick your wounds.

Just a thought. Cheers!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Patricia's Pride - Friday, July 10th

Please call Stanley. I know he's just as excited as we are that your Uncle is working at the Drive-In, but he needs to watch his mouth when he's on the phone. He said the F word to describe the F word. A lot.
I won't be able to make it with you guys tonight, so have fun. I am meeting with Sharon Freeman to work on our chili. I never get Fridays off, so I better be productive. There is food in the fridge and I left you five dollars for the movie. I know you don't need it, but I love you, so use it to buy popcorn. I'm so proud of your Uncle for working. It's like the old days when we were growing up. He had so much potential, Gregory. I just hope he can keep his mind out of the clouds. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you.


Alvin's Sinkwood Safari Drive-In, July 10th - 16th

Screen 1
*Escape From New York -- 9pm
**Fight For Your Life -- 11:15pm

Screen 2
Demonoid: the Messenger of Death -- 9:15pm
**I Spit On Your Grave -- 11:30pm

*denotes New Release
**denotes new screening, but not New Release

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Greg's Night - July 9th

July 9th
Last night was like a near-death experience. Val wanted to meet and exchange spoils from the raid, but he went crazy when he saw Glenn had a pair of Vicki Carlisle's pink lace panties. He started shoving Glenn around and slapped Rad a few times when he smarted off. I thought Val was going to kill us, but Eddie Freeman of all people jumped in and stood up to that caveman. It all seemed to cool down when Val threw a punch and missed Eddie who then clocked him like a boxer or something! Val was on his back and just walked away screaming his was going to get even with Eddie. The only bad thing is I think Eddie broke his hand on Val's face. He was saying that he might not be able to enter the Asteroids tournament.
Eddie's a cool guy, though. Tough luck for him.

Glenn tried practicing but couldn't get in a game of Asteroids because Lori McKenzie's little brother was playing on it all night. And the thing is...he's really good. I think it spooked Glenn.

Mayor McKenzie's Paranoia - July 9th


You have been in bed for 12 hours. What is going on with you? If you are on drugs, you need to let me know. My campaign cannot suffer that kind of scandal -- not after my only daughter's sorority being raided by a group of perverts in ski masks and that damned fireworks fiasco at the drive-in the other night.
Also, I noticed that Sally Turner was over here earlier, and that she dropped off some chili. You do know that her father is Joe Turner, yes? And that he is running against me for mayor in October, yes? What does she want to know? It’s probably best that you do not talk to her, son. I am fighting for my life here, son. So is your mother, your sister, and you. Please do not give Joe Turner an advantage by doing something stupid. It’s probably for the best that you do not eat that chili.


Sally's Gift - Thursday, July 9th

Hey Henry,

Your mom said you were still sleeping after that marathon game of Asteroids you were playing at Spaceport the other night. I can’t believe you did that! I’m sure you didn’t see me because you were so focused on your game, but I was there rooting for you just like everyone else! Skip the manager even kept the arcade open after closing time to see how high you could score! He said he hasn't done anything like that since he kept a movie theater open for 24 hours so that everybody could get into a showing of Star Wars.

Anyway, when you wake up, enjoy some chili I dropped off you with your mom. I’m gonna enter it in the cook-off. Maybe later on you can come by my house and tell me what you thought of it. I’d really like that. --Sally

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Connie's Got the News - Wednesday, July 8th

Brenda! Call me! Thia is totally mondo gnarly! Bobby just told me that Eddie Freeman and that lamewad Val Reynolds got into a fight last night at the Spaceport! I guess Val was picking on Glenn Kleinstein and some other nerdos and Eddie jumped in. Bobby said Eddie decked Val and knocked him out! Totally dreamy!

Friday, July 7, 2017

Uncle Chauncey Owes Big - July 7th

Hey hey Waxy
Long time no screw! Hell I hope this is still yor adress cause fuck if I remember your number!
If this aint Waxy then whoever the hell is readin this just forget it!

Waxy my brotha I need you to do the ol Cock Man a strait solid. I gotta get some film prints and the bad mothers are harder to find than Mother Theresas clit. Might take you a few days but I gots time. No use tryin Sal over at Skinny Paul's. I called him and he dont have nothin but fuck films. These are main veiners.

--Fight For Yor Life
--Last Orgy of the Third Reich
--Cannibal Holocaust
--SS Experiment Love Camp
--Faces of Death
--House on Edge of the Park

Cream Supremes every last one of em. Whatever you can get me Waxy will be much appreshiated. I cant throw you any bread now but you know Im good for it. Trust me the Cock is bout to crow and I gots scratch bout to pour in like pussy honey. Im drivin out to see Turd in Reno this mornin cause he says he might have that furst film so I might not need that one. I'll tell em you said hi and to eat his mommas shit box.


send whatcha can to Alvin's Safari Drive In, 129 E Excelsior Ave, Sinkwood, CA  --dont know the fuckin zip

Owe you like a jarhead owes a gook hussy!