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"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll."

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Ding's Arraignment - Monday, July 6th


COURTROOM DEPUTY CLERK: This is case number CR-723, the Township of Sinkwood, California versus Leland J. Stiltz, on for arraignment. The honorable Leonitis Thomas, III presiding.

JUDGE THOMAS: Counsel, please state your name for the record.

MS. POST: Good morning, Your Honor, Loretta Post for the Township of Sinkwood, California.

JUDGE THOMAS: Good morning.

MR. SWEET: Good morning, Your Honor, J.J. Sweet with Mr. Stiltz, who is present.

JUDGE THOMAS: Good morning. Mr. Stiltz, you are charged with criminal mischief, ten counts of willful destruction of property, disturbing a peaceful assembly, and public endangerment. How do you plea?

LELAND STILTZ: Not guilty, your honor.

MR. SWEET: Sir, pay no mind to my client. He wishes to plead guilty on all counts.

STILTZ: That’s not what I said, sir.

SWEET: You say nothing, Ding!

JUDGE THOMAS: Is there a problem between you and your client, counselor?

SWEET: Sir, no problem at all, sir. My client wishes to plead guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

STILTZ: Absolutely not! I am on a mission to civilize.

SWEET: Sit down in the chair, Ding, and shut your mouth.

STILTZ: This is not a court of law and order! It is an Intergalactic Death Squad. A toxic tribunal. Its only mission is to exterminate the willing.

SWEET: Ding, please.

STILTZ: Get off me, you rogue!

SWEET: You understand what I mean, your honor? The guy’s nuts.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well, but you do understand you will need to prove his insanity in court?

SWEET: Well, the thing is, your honor: I feel like I’ve already done that. So if you can, just go ahead and make your best judgement. Just...just look at him.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well. I will ask the bailiff to please remand Mr. Stiltz back to county lock-up so we can call in a psychiatrist to come and take a look at him. Is that okay with you, Miss Post?

MS. POST: Sir, the people will consent, but we'd like to bring in our own doctor.

JUDGE THOMAS: Very well.

SWEET: Is all this really necessary, your honor? I mean, it’s not like we’re shopping for plums here, know what I mean? You don’t have to split the skin to know you got a bad plum. It's more like we're shopping for bananas, you know? All his bruises are on the outside!

JUDGE THOMAS: Counselor, is there some reason you’re so anxious to wrap this one up?

SWEET: No reason at all, Judge. It’s just that this is my first day with the Public Defender’s office, and I’m hoping to get my first conviction. You know: get up on the big board, and whatnot.

JUDGE THOMAS: Mr. Sweet, you’re a defense attorney. You’re supposed to get acquittals, not convictions.

SWEET: Yeah, I know that, your honor. But down at the office they go by decisions. The motto is: “Either Good or Bad, You’re Glad”.

JUDGE THOMAS: This is deeply disturbing, Counselor.

SWEET: So, how about it, judge? Is the man crazy or not?

JUDGE THOMAS: I don’t know about Mr. Stiltz, but I’ve got a pretty good idea about you.


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